I'm a Christian. And I Do Theatre.

I only recently changed my major to theatre and previously I was a fine art major.  I love creating art, but I found it to be a deeply personal, self-expressive release that I didn’t want to grow to hate as an occupation.  Theatre has always been a passion of mine, but I also didn’t have much experience in high school so I thought I would be laughed at for choosing to pursue it.  When I was an art major, I found a connection to God through creating.  Though, I found myself more and more looking to art that was dramatic, dealt with the anatomy of the human body, focused on emotion and perceptions.  I love people.  I found my art reflecting 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”

I feel like God has led me to connect with people.  When I switched my major, somewhat on a whim and somewhat exploring my options because I was discontent with my current major, I found my connection with people.  Humans were created in the likeness to God.  Through studying theatre, specifically the human figure, intellect, and emotion, my awe of the Creator was heightened.  Theatre is Christ-like because of similarities with Jesus, how it can help with personal growth, and how it teaches reconciliation.

I think of how Jesus bonded with people while on earth.  He wasn’t pretentious.  He was genuine and selfless.  He thought about others and not Himself.  I’m reminded of Jesus crying out to God when he’s being crucified to forgive his tormentors because they don’t know what they’re doing.  Christ incarnated Himself as a human being just as an actor takes on a character in a play.  In theatre, we have to bond with and trust each other.  As actors, we need to be vulnerable and as a team, work together without judgment.  Stories open up opportunities for self reflection and awareness just like Jesus did with His parables.  

Theatre has helped me grow as a person and I want to share that reflection and euphoria with other people.  When I develop a character, I can better understand how someone can do a selfish act without foreseeing the damage it could do to others.  Theatre has helped my utilize empathy and helped me to forgive, trust, understand, connect, invest, and encourage other people.  I believe theatre is redemptive and develops acceptance of differences in people.  I can admit my faults and improve spiritually in a more open manner than I ever had before.

I have a passion to reach people who go voiceless.  I want to hear what they have to say.  I’ve always said you have to watch out for the quiet ones because you don’t know what they’re thinking.  I can relate to brokenness.  I like to invest in people who consider themselves outcasts, worthless and unwanted.  Also this year, God has highlighted people for me to reach out to who are different socially and usually thought of as eccentric or weird.  I’ve found a worshipful practice of expressing vulnerability and brokenness to others through testimony.  Those stories unite Christians in authenticity.  We all wear a mask in every day life that hides our sorrows.  It’s selfish to bottle that up.  Pain and joy are two things that are a part of the human experience.  How can we never talk about the pain in our lives?  It cuts out half of what we can relate to each other about.  Through these confessions, God redeems us.  When acting, I can forgive the wrongs my character has done because I realize that in some form, I’ve committed the same thing.

I think that the word “Christian” should be a noun and not an adjective.  So, I am a Christian and I do theatre.  I don’t want to be the one that needs to jump up and down squealing, “I’m a Christian! I’m a Christian!”  I hope that my actions spark curiosity about my faith.  Tying back to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, I want to love and look at people in the same way as Christ did.  I know I can’t love perfectly; only God can, but I hope I impact others through God’s love.

Well, this'll be fun to read in the morning...

I hate these posts on Facebook that have all these “most amazing photos ever taken” or “look at this heartwarming story.”  I’m just over here sobbing; don’t mind me.  I also hate these Christian relationship posts about marriage or what kind of man has the true potential of love.  I even hate the posts of singleness, too.  They’re so sappy or liberating (not that I want to be in chains). I just hate them.  I don’t know why, but I do.

I’ve thought about marriage, but I never was one to obsess over and romanticize it.  I never planned my own wedding.  I’ve vaguely thought about what my dress should look like or certain ambiguous ideas here and there, but I don’t have a “my dream wedding” pin board on Pinterest.  In fact, I don’t know that I want to get married.  I might elope.  Or I won’t even have a man, I’ll stay alone.  I can’t plan these things.  Obviously, I’m not dead set against marriage or men to vow to singleness forever.  I’ve made the list of what I want in a man, but that’s not going to happen with precision.  Ev’ybody gots flaws.  Even if it’s just bad grammar.  Which isn’t a peeve of mine, by the way.

I might just be one of those people that demonize marriage.

I believe I’ve the potential to be a good spouse (Ew, rhymes with louse).  That doesn’t mean I deserve a lover.  That doesn’t mean a man on this earth will love me.  There’s no guarantee.  I guess I feel rather skeptical.  I’m not waiting, but I wonder if there will be a “single stage” + “married stage” in my life or just a “single stage.”  That would totally make it not a stage at all, but just life.  But all the world’s a stage and we’re all merely.. stop it!  Life ain’t Shakespeare.  Well, it probably is.. ugh.  Anyway, so I could then stop wondering if I’m going to be slapped in the face with a random dude with God’s booming voice saying, “He’s ‘the one.’ Go fetch.”  

I feel like my internal-isms get really confusing sometimes.  Maybe I should shut up. 

Nah, I really like to be coherent so let’s try saying it this way:  I’m a frickin’ stellar and phenomenal child of God (I like those adjectives, don’t you?) who isn’t granted a man in her life.  No one is granted a soulmate.  I don’t believe in soulmates.  Love is a choice which sucks because that means that love isn’t easy.  It puts the responsibility on each and every one of us.  It isn’t a magic spell that makes us fall in love, it’s hard work.  There’s not some mystical, involuntary, force that takes over a person to make them fall in love.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I don’t want to believe it’s easy.  I feel like the whole soulmate complex is for people who can’t deal with rejection and need some way to cope. “Well it wasn’t meant to be because he just wasn’t ‘the one.’”  Sorry darling, the person chose not to love you.  

Damn, I’m heartless.

Also, I don’t know how to apply the Bible in my life.  There’s so much of it that seems a little off and I’m just like, “Do we throw the book out the window because it’s all “cultural” and has no place in our current lives?”

I should read it and not just listen to people talk about it. 

I am not a good person.  I never read my Bible and I almost never pray.  And I feel like I have no hope that God will bring good things into my life.  He didn’t promise me that.  But he did promise that He’d bring me comfort.  Well, sometimes I’m comforted by Him, but I’ve never had anything extremely bad happen to me.  “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  Now I know that’s probably not really in the Bible, but I can’t help but wonder am I a wimp or something?  Does God not give me extreme hardship because I’d easily run from Him or fall apart?

Interesting idea.  We will never be happy in life because we aren’t meant to be happy.  Like, how people say we have evil in the world to appreciate and value the good.  What about our view of heaven?  How can we appreciate the glories of heaven if life on earth is happy as well.  This is our suffering stage until we are united in eternity.  If you only seek “feel good” happiness you’ll never achieve it.  Contentment comes from the desire to glorify God.

I do have the desire to know about God’s character, but I feel really down when I think that the truth can’t be certain.  I know God is truth and that’s that, but as far as truth about Him and what He wants for me, what He wants for other people, how He wants us to interact with each other, what He wants us to do.. all of that.. stuff is all opinion.  I’ll read the Bible and be a Christian with very individualized beliefs that I can be certain that some how, some where all the line, something will conflict with even the closest theologian to me.

I truly need to pursue being a better person for Christ.

I’ve always said I want to be content but not comfortable.  When you’re comfortable, you become stagnant. I always want to know everything, but realized it wouldn’t be good because then I would have nothing to strive for.  I’m not being a hypocrite here because I love that I want to know everything.  That desire is a good thing, but I’ll never be able to achieve it and I honestly don’t want all that knowledge.  “The surest way to bore people is to tell them everything.” I always remember random quotes without the names attached.  There would be no mystery in life to spark my curiosity.  I always want to seek knowledge and learn more about myself and other people.  If I knew everything I would be comfortable and that’s not good.  I am content with what I know now, but I’m not comfortable. I’m still antsy to learn.

With that being said, I’ve always had this emptiness inside me.  Everyone would say that emptiness should be filled with the Holy Spirit.  But if I’m a Christian, which I am, shouldn’t that be filled already?  What am I missing?  What is blocking me from having a deep relationship with Christ?  I tried filling it with people, places, activities, events, and even things--though I’m not very materialistic; I always feel like I have too much stuff.  Sometimes, there is fulfillment, but it never lasts and I hunger on for more.  I don’t know where to go from here.  I’m stuck.  I try and fail, try and fail.  Sometimes you think you got everything all together and it’s like a brick wall when you realize you don’t have it all under control.  We are a culture that prides itself on individuality and independence, but no one should be as independent as they want to be.  We need to rely on other people.  I'm trying to work on vulnerability and trust and not bottling everything up.  Don't know about you, but I think it's working. :P

Life is complex.  People are complex.  I’m complex.  Nothing’s simple.  So get that out of your head.

What is wrong with me? I should just go to sleep.  I get too cynical when I’m tired.

Oh and did I really just write a post about hating a certain type of post that ended up morphing into that very kind of post that I hate? 

Confidence

Confidence

I have a love-hate relationship with the process of writing.  It helps me cope and rejoice with whatever life throws at me.  Mostly cope though.  I’ll admit, I find it to be the most comforting to write when I’m angry or when I'm hurt.  On the other hand, sometimes writing doesn’t satisfy me at all, especially when I can’t figure out how to express myself exactly the way I want.  There are times when what I need to do to get through the day is to sit down and let my feelings fly.  I let my fingertips go on autopilot, taking over in a frantic percussion of clicking and tapping.  Those moments are so special.  It’s filled with nervous adrenaline to not forget a single thought, and anticipating what might be a emotionally satisfying piece even if no one else ever reads it.  Somehow, during the formation of paragraphs, my tears dry up and I’m focused on perfecting my thoughts instead of how those thoughts felt ten minutes ago.  By the end, I’m drained, but before me is the closure that it was worth it.  But some days, I have moments where I don’t want to write even when I have something I need to spill.  Knowing the mental and physical energy needed, it’s hard to initiate it.  Or like today, I’ve had an idea mulling over and over for months, but I didn’t know where to start.  For me, the words have to come to me naturally; it’s an artistic and emotional release.  It can’t be forced or else it becomes maddening and stressful. 

There are times where I stay awake in bed at night replaying moments of the day over and over in my head.  I’m upset over something I did, or how someone affected my day.  Why did I say that?  Act that way?  I could’ve been a little clearer.  Why didn’t I say something different?  Why can’t I just say what I’m thinking?  I’m not as confident as I wish I could be.  Some days I’m just emotionally vulnerable.  I already have too much on my plate, already thinking about several other problems, stress, no sleep; everyone’s been there.  It all adds up to me being socially reclusive where one disapproving glance or cheeky remark sends me to automatic shutdown where I turn quiet, still, and expressionless.  I retreat to a dark world where I make lists of why my life sucks. I hate it when I’m like that.  That’s not me.  I’m sensitive to my surroundings way too much.  I’m able to forgive. I don’t hold a grudge, I don’t lash back because I know bitterness destroys people and I’d turn into an antagonist just like the person or persons who hurt me.  But a wall is still put up.  I may forgive, but I never forget.  Eventually, the initial circumstance doesn’t even matter and I turn to being upset that I’m actually upset!  I’m hurt that I was actually hurt.  I’m insecure about my insecurities. Why did what was said hurt me?  Why should I care? Why do I act this way?  Why can’t I always be happy and not let things affect me so much?  How could something so insignificant ruin how I feel?   

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. -Proverbs 29:25

Why do I let people have that power over me? 

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with who I am and I don’t want to be anyone else, but I still have this handicap; I hold back to protect myself.  I can’t fake confidence because ..well, it’s fake and people catch on to that.  But I get so mad at myself for letting my environment have so much control over me.  I’m not stupid, I realize it’s pointless to change my appearance and personality because no matter what not everyone is going to like me.  Not everyone is going to like my choice in clothes, my hair, my opinions, and my beliefs.  Not everyone is going to understand me, laugh at my jokes, or take the time to get to know me because they base my entire personality on first impression.  I know that I’m not worthless.  I know I am or will be important and cherished to someone even if it is just God.  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Cor. 12:9

The world is careless.  It is so judgmental.  We live in a world of belittlers because that’s the only way they can build themselves up by tearing someone else apart.  It’s really sad when I think of it that way.  People come from different backgrounds and sometimes the only way they can cope with their troubles is by lashing out.  Are they so dead to empathy that they don’t care what they say and do?  I pray for these people because they are lost.  They don’t know what they’re doing.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Gal. 2:20

For the longest time, I thought making friends meant trying to please everybody.  I knew that I couldn’t just conform to the latest trends or change the way I act because that shows weakness.  And it’s really obvious.  Have you ever noticed the people that change all the time?  They’re never consistent because what’s popular never makes up it’s mind; trends and popularity change.  

So instead I held back from saying or doing things so that I wouldn’t offend or annoy anyone.  I was really nice too; I agreed with whoever I was with or just didn’t voice an opinion.  I thought that then everyone would be my friend.  Or maybe I was just trying to avoid confrontation or getting hurt.  But then several years ago, I realized that holding back made me dull.  I wasn’t letting people see the real me.  I had turned into this quiet, reserved person, that no one wants to hang out with because they realized I was hiding.  I had to stop being one-dimensional.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9

Most people’s advice is that life gets easier when you stop caring about what other people think.  I don’t agree.  I never ever want to not care about another person’s thoughts and feelings.  I personally feel that you need to care about the talk about you if you want to keep your integrity and reputation.  I can’t express enough how important other people’s thoughts about myself are to me.  I have grown so much as a person when people honestly tell me what they think about me.  I become aware of social tendencies and ticks I might have so I can improve upon myself.  I can polish my communication skills with other people who are different than I am.  I love college because I am making friends with unique people who have different ideas about the world than I do.  

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. - 1 Cor. 13:1-3

Being myself according to God's will is the most amazing lifestyle to lead.

Bucket List ;D

I have an infatuation with lists.  They're really fun!  Birthday wish lists.  Things I want in my dream house lists.  Missions in life lists.  Things I'd like to have lists.  Spiritual goals lists.  But even practical lists like to do lists.  Grocery lists.  Things I want to take pictures of or paint/draw lists.  What to take on vacation lists.  Things I need to buy lists.  Future blog posts lists. ;)  I'm definitely not a organization freak or anything.  And I'm not "controlled" by my lists; like I have to have a list to live life--to do anything!  But I do think it helps me to better organize my life a little bit and also helps me not to forget anything.

So I made a bucket list.  For fun. And here it is..

It's incomplete because I honestly think there's more crazy or unique stuff to do in the world that I just haven't thought of or don't know about.

Go on a game show (like Wheel of Fortune, Millionaire, Minute to Win It, or some survival show)

Go hang gliding

See the northern lights

Go to Ireland, Austria, Australia, Italy, Africa, and other places around the world that I haven't decided on yet

Go to all 50 states (I've been to 39 or so; that's pretty good)

Learn to tap dance

Participate in an epic food fight  (mud fight would be fun too!)

Play the piano again or maybe learn guitar

Build up my physical endurance

Run a marathon

Go zip lining

Climb a mountain

Train a horse

Learn to jump (a horse)

Own a plethora of pets  (horses, dogs, cats, rabbits, lizards, raccoon, pot bellied pig, turtle, parrot, flying squirrel, etc..)

Go zorbing  heyy I'm a hamster!!! (I always want to spell it hamPster though I pronounce it correctly)

Make a pie and biscuits from scratch (I've made biscuits, but they were.... yucky.  So they don't count.  I blame it on old baking powder)

Breath helium and talk like a chipmunk lol

Win a trip for two or something and go with a friend

Learn to swim (OMGSH YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM!?!?! No, I don't know how to swim which is partly because I didn't have a pool and I nearly drowned once in a neighbor's pool.)

Once I learn to swim, go white water river rafting and scuba diving and kayaking and swimming with dolphins! YEAH!

Repel a wall or building or something

Walk with snow shoes on... in the snow...  duh.

Go on a dog driven sled

Go on an Alaskan cruise

Learn woodworking or wood carving also wood burning it looks so cool!

Learn how to fix a flat tire :P

Go rock climbing (with ropes and everything cuz I ain't suicidal)

Make a vase using a pottery wheel

This Blog Thing

My senior year is coming to an end. So I’ve started to wonder about this blog and where it’s going. I really want to continue writing. It’s been very therapeutic. Writing these posts, I mean. I don’t always explain, face to face with someone in conversation, my exact, complete thoughts and this blog has been good for that. I can talk about how I’m feeling or what I’ve been thinking about lately and not get interrupted--rather selfish of me I know. But it’s so nice to express my thoughts without someone butting in with their own opinions and advice thinking it’s their turn to contribute to the conversation. You know how it is--you’ll talk a little and then they’ll talk a little taking turns back and forth. And I’m not under the pressure to write an entire story, or a book for that matter.

The thing is there are so many things I could write about. There’s just one problem--they come in bursts. I want to be able to write posts when I have my writing bursts. If I’m not at the computer writing it down as I think it, it gets lost. I don’t have a laptop which would really help things. I’m getting one this fall though :D :D !!!

So many times I lose ideas, can’t get down my complete thought, or don’t write the exact way I wanted to say something simply because my brain works too fast. I have a notebook to write in if I can’t access the computer, but I don’t know if I’m just a slow writer or if things just come to me so much faster than I can write them down. Even at the computer, I can get lost. I’ll start typing out a sentence and then continue thinking and expand, expand, expand, until I remember that I have an unfinished sentence and I totally forgot how it went. And then, just like that, I'll forget the details of the paragraph or so that I’d written in my head. As you can tell, I’ve had a lot of unfinished thoughts.

Or, things go unfinished--or at least not to my liking--because it’s an assignment and I don’t have the time to stop, take a step back, mull it over in my brain, come back to it, and figure out the best way to convey my meaning. And when something is done, it’s done. Handing it in and having somebody read it kills all incentive to go back and straighten it all out--unless of course it’s a first draft and I have to redo it.

Right now, my blog is my voice unread. No one reads these words flowing out of my fingers right now. Well, maybe three...and my class is forced to, but even that is being optimistic. But I like it that way. I don’t want to expand, optimize, monetize my blog prematurely. This is my last assigned post--which is a “whatever you want.” I want to be consistently writing posts on my own before I have the world--possibly--reading them. I guess I'm just cautious like that because I hate failing myself.

So, I hope I will continue on, but for a little while it might just be here and there. I'm not promising anything.

Depression

This week was probably the worst possible week to get sick.  I had a speech to give, play practice to go to (the play is next week too and when I get sick, it lingers), and I had to write a post about depression.  Depression is probably the worst topic to write about when you're sick.  I was weak and miserable and just researching depression made me depressed, but I realized that my lethargy was no where near what people go through who suffer from depression.   

Depression is a silent killer. Many who suffer from it can hide it enough to go unnoticed and never ask for help. Many don’t even realize they have a problem and think everyone deals with the same emotions and physical problems. Suicide is thought to be the only way out; that no one will help because this disease tends to cause people to have negative, distrusting thoughts towards others. Depression also causes the feeling of worthlessness which leads to delusional thoughts like “No one would want to help me or care if I died.”

Causes of Depression

• Physical, mental, or sexual abuse
•  
• Prolonged illness
• 
  
• Chronic pain
• 
  
• Medication
• 
  
• Relationship conflict
• 
  
• Loved one’s death or any personal loss
• 
  
• Addiction
• 
  
• Stressful events
• 
  
• Other personal problems such as rejection and insecurity
• 
  
• No reason or none that has been discovered yet

Though these factors cause depression there still has to be another reason. After all, people live through many of the trials listed above without having depression.

What I look for in a Guy..

I can’t fathom who the “perfect” man for me will actually be. I recently had a group discussion in my creative writing class where we each gave a character quality we find attractive. Since most were going to say “being a Christian” that was excluded. Afterwards, I went home and wrote down the ones said and then made a list of my own. But then I started seriously thinking about whether or not my criteria will actually match my future hubby.

I realized that my list was the easy way out.

I just thought about all the things that annoy me and hope he doesn’t have those things and then thought up all the things that I admire in a person and hope he has those qualities. But real marriage isn’t like that. No one has a perfect marriage because no one can love perfectly. No human is always patient, kind, unenvious, meek, humble, respectful, selfless, peaceful, forgiving, optimistic, protective, trusting, hopeful, persevering, and committed. (1 Cor. 13:4-7)

There’s no way I can find the right man for me on my own. It’s such a challenging and overwhelming task. I’m quite ok with leaving it completely up to God--how, where, and when is the right time in my life. 

But it was still fun to make this list and think up the unattainable “perfect” guy. xD

Seven qualities I find attractive...