Make It A Life Worth Living

Dreams

I’ve been told so many times to not expect much.  Don’t get your hopes up.  Realize you probably won’t make it so why even bother?  What you can expect from life is disappointment and unfulfillment.

Pshh  What do I say to that?  I’m not going to let you predict my life.  How do you know?  Why must you be so negative?   I say, go for your dreams!!!  Though plan financially a little bit. :P  But if you set low expectations you’ll only reach your low expectations.

What happens when you don’t meet your expectations?  I must admit I have a problem with that.  I’m way too hypercritical of myself.  Maybe I really did meet the expectation, but I’m still positive I could’ve done better.  It’s so silly.  I know I’m not perfect, but I still beat myself up over some of the stupid stuff I do.  I am my worst critic.

Disappointment

I don’t get it when someone tells me not to get my hopes up.  No matter what, I’ll be disappointed; it’s just a matter of time.  Either I’ll get disappointed because the person thinks I’m already doomed to fail.  Or most likely.  Chances aren’t good.  They don’t have confidence in me and it kind of tends to rub off so that I’m not encouraged or excited anymore at all.  So I’m already disappointed before I even find out the results of whatever I was hoping for!  And what is wrong with disappointment!?  Yeah, I hate, but it just proves that I wanted something, that I had a goal, desire, plan for my life and if it didn’t happen, “Oh well.”  That’s life and I’ll just have to try and minimize the pity party, brush myself off, and look for another opportunity.    

Besides, I’d rather go for a dream than kick myself years later for not even trying.

I challenge anyone that reads this to follow your dreams no matter what anyone says.  Don’t let others kill your desires. You can do it!

Paranoia

Use your imagination!  Just don’t kill yourself.

I have an overactive imagination.  I can start day dreaming and make up this entire, complex story and then forget all or most of it as soon as I shake myself out of it.  I’m sure I’ve written lengthly novels in my head that are gone forever.  Then I experience this “woah” feeling wondering what just happened.  There’s been times where I’ve been thinking about a memory of mine, something I did, and I can’t remember when, where, or who I was with.  Certain details had escaped me and usually I’m one to remember every little thing.  It would bug me for some time until I realized, “That was a dream I had once.”  I can’t believe how dreams can be so real sometimes that I could actually think it actually happened.  You know the feeling of waking up from a dream and thinking it was real?  Within a few seconds, you realized it wasn’t because, obviously, you’re still in bed.  Well the eerie part of it for me is months later I think I had some kind of experience and I’m stumped because it’s a little fuzzy and don’t realize it never happened.

The thing about an overactive imagination is that it can make me a little paranoid.  I think paranoia is an interesting topic.  And not the mental illness.  The little suspicious, slightly irrational distrust that everyone has about someone or something, real or imagined.  I never ever “see” anything I imagine.  I can kind of project it onto the back of my eyelids, but any images still seem fuzzy or transparent.  I think everyone gets a little paranoid about certain things...at least I hope so.  Otherwise, I might be delusional, folks! ;)

I can be paranoid in a safety way.  As in, is that guy lurking around (course he really isn’t lurking, I just think he is...my imagination) just waiting to pounce on me, tie me up, gag me, and dump me into the back of a big white van with no windows?  (Yep, all big white vans without windows might as well have “We have candy, kids,” written on the side.) 

I always feel like someone’s watching me.  I feel like there could be someone sitting in the tree in my backyard with a pair of binoculars staring at me.  It’s not an intense feeling; just creepy, and makes me look out the window to see.  I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to be kidnapped and then escape or somehow come out of it alive.  Not enough to wish it would happen though!

When I was younger...

One cause of it I think is my dad.  He’s always telling me to be aware of my surroundings and be cautious and careful.  I know he’s just trying to be helpful. Be careful of dark alleys; that sort of thing.  One time he told me that if I ever came across a squirrel that was acting funny, unusually not startled by a human, and foaming at the mouth, that that squirrel had rabies and I should get away from it.  Now, I was one of those kids that obnoxiously ran after squirrels like a dog screaming at the top of my lungs.  So I was pretty freaked out that there could be a dangerous squirrel out there that would start chasing me!  For weeks I wouldn’t go outside to play.  Or I’d forget, go out and start swinging on our swing set, realize there could be a squirrel hiding behind a tree somewhere waiting for me, and run like mad back into the house.  Yes, I realize that was crazy; that’s why it’s called paranoia.

I’m never letting my kids watch something scary on TV while they’re young.  Like the red-eyed bear in Fox and the Hound scared me--and it was only because of the fact that he had red eyes.  I would cover my eyes during that part of the movie.  So, I never watched horror movies or anything, but the slightly scary parts of normal kids movies would freak me out.  When I was little, I watched a movie once that was about a family living in the wilderness.  They kept having these frequent run ins with this angry, bold wolf with a scar running down his face.  I realize now that that movie was what made me scared at night sometimes.  I had to have the windows shut and the blinds closed because I was afraid wolves were going to jump through my window.  I knew there were no wolves that lived in our area and that they couldn't possibly break through my window or even want to, but I was still afraid.  An irrational fear of my childhood.  Surprisingly, I never thought monsters were in my closet or under my bed.  Instead, I would imagine shadows moving on the walls and that snakes and alligators swam in an invisible sea under my bed and would snap at my toes if my legs hung over the side.

Was that really a joke?

Today, I tend to be paranoid about what people think...particularly of me.  I hate it when people joke with you and you’re not sure if they’re being mean and just won’t commit completely to the insult.  I’m not saying I don’t like joking around with people.  I can take a joke directed at me and probably retort one right back.  But sometimes I just think about it and wonder if it’s true.  Why would he/she even think that if they didn’t think it was true?  I can tell when someone is honestly just playing with me.  But then there’s the moment when I don’t know if a person is really joking with me or saying something mean and laughing it off with a, “Just kidding!”  Sometimes sarcasm can be used the wrong way--which is, sadly, cruel.

My paranoia--or imagination--has never escalated to become a problem.  It doesn’t control me and it doesn’t prevent me from living my life.  2 Timothy 1:7 says that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.  God doesn’t want me to be afraid.  Satan does though, but I will not give him the satisfaction.

The Future

I’m gonna graduate!!

I’ve been thinking about my future lately. I’m a senior in high school so I’d say it’s kind of a normal thing to be thinking about right now. There’s so many things to decide. Where should I go to school? What should I major in? How can I get a good education without breaking the bank? There’s so many choices! And then, what kind of career do I want? I want something I’ll love--doesn’t everybody? Will I make a living from it?

Passion and Motivation

At least, I have interests. I love art--any form of art; I’m not limited to the canvas stuff,--theater, and horses. I’m not one of those people who have absolutely no idea what they’re going to do with their lives. I knew a guy who’s goal in life when he was younger was to be the guy that put the new price in the sign of a gas station. You’ve seen those guys, right? They have a long pole with a magnet on the end that they use to pick up metal pieces with a letter or number on it to change a message or price under the company’s sign. I don’t want to be that guy.

There are so many struggling artists out there and so many struggling actors/actresses out there; will I make it? I’ve realized I can’t be scared. I have to pursue the things I love to do no matter how much money I make. Sorry Mom and Dad.

I was at a high school graduation last year and the speaker said something like this to the graduates, “You know that guy who gets up at the crack of lunch, playing with his Xbox, his pants hanging half way off his butt? Do not friend that guy! Do not date that guy! Do not bring him home!” And a response from a parent in the audience was a loud, “AMEN!” The point of it was to surround yourself with friends who have goals so that you aren’t dragged into doing nothing for the rest of your life. I need to make sure that my close friends also love God, and that in whatever they do they are giving all credit to Him.

The Career Plan

So, here’s the plan...if all goes well. I’m enrolling in a 10-month cosmetology course. During cosmetology school I’ll also take a math class or something so I have some credits when I go to college. I’ll then get a job at a salon cutting hair to help pay my way through college. Here’s where things get fuzzy. I don’t know what I want to do. Art and theater. Which one will be my major and which one will be my minor. Double major? I also don’t have a college that I like. I must admit I haven’t done much looking. But it’s a little overwhelming; there’s so much out there. Parts of me can’t wait and parts of me can. I don’t want to make any mistakes! I know. That sounds silly. I’m supposed to make mistakes and hopefully be smart and learn from them. Though I would learn from my mistakes, I’m afraid to make them. If I can, I want to avoid them. Mistakes can really mess up your life and sometimes the results are irreversible. I’m also really interested in the “behind the scene” aspects of theater. In between failed auditions, I could do set design, hair, makeup, costumes, and probably a bunch of other creative stuff that I just don’t know about. I’m so excited to learn more!

So yeah, I just felt like getting out my thoughts about all that... :) I’m optimistic!

I recently found this short story I wrote when I was in sixth grade.  At the time I wrote it, I remember thinking how much more I wanted to expand the story, but I was on a word limit so I couldn’t.  I wanted to write it like some girl telling her friend at school about her weekend and making a big, exaggerated tale out of it.  I ended up having to delete those parts because it got too long so I just used the actual story that my main character told her friend.  I never gave my character a name; didn’t want to, but I imagined she was about seven or eight years old and styled the writing accordingly.  I like this story; it’s so wacky and random and I always thought I would love to have this girl as my best friend.

“You will not believe what happened to me when....”

    ....my mommy said, “I’ll only be gone for two days.  Look after Henry while I’m gone and there’s mini pizzas in the freezer.”  She was out the door like that, leaving me behind, stranded with my little brother, Henry the Hulk, and the frozen pizzas, which mommy had secretly stuffed with spinach and said it was seasonings.

    Already, the Hulk had gotten into my box of beanie babies with his germ-infested, stubby hands.  “Let’s take a walk,” I said, but in my head I said, “Let’s get out the door so you don’t mess anything else up!”  While he was getting his shoes on, I threw my beanies into the washer.

    On our walk, I slipped on a banana peel, feel, blacked out, and woke up in a hospital bed.  How I got there, I’m still not sure because I was still a little woozy in the head.  I was told something about a clown in stinky underwear.

    I was able to go home in an hour.  The doc started wonderin’ where my “mama” was.  I didn’t want to tell him that she was away for the weekend, so I told him that my mom was in shock because her Uncle Curtis had died of the hiccups a year ago and that she wouldn’t answer the phone or door.  Then, doc started telling me about hiccups, and how deadly they are if not stopped.  All of that stuff freaked me out because I am a kid of many hiccuping days.  Just at the right moment, I sneaked out of the hospital with the Hulk, who had destroyed the play area in there.

    All of a sudden, we were kidnapped by robbers.  We were taken away to their little house on the prairie.  In the morning, while they raided our house, this weird skateboarder showed up and rescued us.  When we got outside, I kicked the boarder in the stomach, grabbed Hulk, and took off on his skateboard.  I didn’t know if that skateboarder-wanna-be wanted to kidnap us or not.  You never know about people like that.

    After that, reporters took pictures of me.  They said something about being the only person to beat up that skateboarder.  I found out that he was an agent for the FBI.  Oh yeah, those pictures of me wound up in Australia!

    After that we went home and got bored.  The only thing that was exciting was when Mommy came home, and when I got my beanies out of the wash.

Apathy poem

I suck at poetry.  It's not my thing.  I never compose poems unless I have to for an assignment.  Usually, I end up hating them because I tend to be hypercritical of my own stuff. 

Recently, I had to write a poem.  I've had this idea for a story in my head for a long time, but I wasn't sure how to write it.  Apathy.  Everyone suffers from apathy at one point or another and I think it's a serious problem today.  I feel it's absolutely impossible to motivate someone who doesn't want to be motivated--though I think that's the case for most things.  Ya know, you can't lead a horse to water and make him drink. 

Today, it's also hard to find someone who has a true passion for something; or anything really.  I believe that motivation can only come from God.  When we have a passion for God, we find out we have passions for other things too.  I can't motivate someone to change the way they are and it isn't my place to try.  I can only pray for them and love them in the way God wants me to. "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:7)  I can always trust in God that He has a plan for everything even though I may not understand at the moment.  And that every aggravating, annoying person I meet has a purpose--to teach me to deal with them and realize no one's perfect.  I can always hope that God is always working on said aggravating, annoying person.  There's this song I learned as a kid and the chorus goes, "Kids under construction; maybe the paint is still wet. Kids under construction; the Lord might not be finished yet."  I think that's kinda a cute summation.

Anyway, so I put off this idea.  I wanted to write it in an allegorical way and I wasn't sure how I was going to do that.  Then, when I had the poem assignment I had a lightbulb moment. "Heyyyy...! I could write my apathy idea as a poem."  It made perfect sense.  I got on the computer and immediately wrote the first four stanzas.  By the next day, I had finished it.  My pen just followed (metaphor alert: I actually worked on it on the computer xP) and I love it when that happens.  It's such a relief to get building ideas down on paper.  So, here it is, I don't know if it's any good but I like it--which is a rare thing for me to say.  It's free verse because I can't rhyme a story that actually makes sense. lol

Apathy

The ground emits a torrid warmth,

I rise from the powdered floor,

And cough on the chalky air,

My eyes blink open.

Monotone shades of flecked atmosphere,

Tunnels fade into a dark oblivion,

Bright rays blaze above me,

They fail to illuminate my surroundings.

I squint into the dimness at cubed burrows,

Supported by bare beams, they diminish into a stuffy murk,

I look up at the incandescent glare of sun streaks,

They frame the square rim of my deep chasm.

A mine shaft, I fell into a mine shaft,

My inanimate body is dead to feeling,

My brain is in a dead haze too,

I don’t care and I shut everything out.

I sense someone watching me,

My lethargic eyes open a little,

A faint figure in beige is walking near,

Who are you? I said.

She said, I’m concerned for you,

Why are you lying here,

And not trying to get out?

Go away, I said, you’re a hallucination!

You have a choice, she said,

You can stay in this pit full of pity,

Or you can get out,

There’s life outside these walls.

You are rewarded when you care,

Yeah right, I told her, all I get is disappointment,

You’ve never cared so how do you know?

I didn’t know what to say, she was right.

Well, what do I do?

She looked up and said, Climb,

I look up and then back at her,

She had disappeared.

Columns of parallel rays hit by body,

I’m half way to the opening of the mine shaft,

Below me is a vent of nothingness,

But above me is everything. 

I look up into the light and my foot slips,

The rim fades into the distance,

As I plummet to the floor of my abyss,

What’s the use, it’s hopeless!

Don’t give up,

Her voice sounded in my head,

The pit is too steep to climb,

Do I dare try one of the mine’s tunnels?

They have to exit somewhere,

Without a light, I enter,

An auspicious tunnel, or so I hope,

I’m enveloped in an insipid darkness.

I feel my way along the dingy walls,

I grow confused and lost,

Trudging through the inky sameness,

Will it ever end?

I’m about to think I’ve entered a sunless tomb,

When a vivid current of brightness gleams before me,

Like a star, at first, it gets bigger as I move towards it,

The light feeds me with a burst of energy.

I reach the exit and step out into a field,

Birds’ melody floats from swaying trees,

I’m free; and when I look back,

The tunnel isn’t there.

Thoughts

***This is not an assigned topic. Yay!!***

What do you think about right before you go to sleep?  I wonder about what other people think of before they began to drift off.  I’ve even thought about what other people think when they try to go to sleep while I’m trying to go to sleep!  Is it the same kind of things I think? 

I can’t even categorize all the things I think of; my mind just wanders.  I could be thinking of something happening currently in my life and then my mind brings up something that I haven’t thought of in years.  Sometimes the most clever, witty things pop into my head during this odd state where my body is past the expiration date, but my subconscious continues in full swing.

So, I have a notebook full of these random, possibly insightful and possibly witty--though I don’t really know since I’m half asleep--thoughts that I keep by my bed.  I’m positive no one else, but me would understand half the stuff written in this book.  I don’t even understand it sometimes.  I flip through it looking at past stuff and I’m like, What the heck did I mean by that?  I must admit I try my best to jot down quickly and in very few words the essence of what I was thinking at the moment so I can go back to sleep, but I don’t always think about being able to interpret it later.  I also have random pieces of paper that are all over my house--though I hope they’re somewhat organized into several piles in different places--with little notes that I’ve jotted down. 

Now, I’m going through them and thought I’d share:

I avoid using the phrase, “How are you?”  It usually comes up when I’m with someone I don’t know that well or someone I haven’t seen in a while.  When I hear it, I don’t know what to say.  Does anyone really want to know?  So often, people just use it as a greeting or to fill a silence and I can’t tell when someone really cares about my response.  It’s not even a conversation starter.   
“How are you?” 
“Good.” 
There’s some Facebook thing that’s something like, “The biggest lie is ‘I’m fine.’”  I don’t think so.  It’s just a polite way of saying, “I don’t want to tell you,” or even just, “I don’t want to talk about it,” because you know if you say one of those instead you’ll spark their curiosity even more so.


One of my biggest peeves is when a skinny girl calls herself fat.  Girls that are honestly insecure about their weight would most likely never say anything like that.  It annoys me when I think about what these skinny girls want, which is one or more of three things:
 1. They’re looking for a confidence boost.  They know they’re not fat, but are insecure about something else and know they’ll get a compliment.
 2. They’re conceited and just want the attention.
 3. They want guys to notice how fat they’re not.   
I think the last one is the main reason.  Why?  Because if a girl says something about her body, all eyes focus and concentrate on what she’s referring to even if everyone has seen her countless times and knows exactly what she looks like.


Note to self:  If you’re about to be kidnapped, act like a nut and scare the willies out of the kidnapper.  He probably doesn’t want to kidnap someone who’s mental.  (This is practically a word for word copy of a note I found.)  My version of acting crazy is to go bug-eyed and chant some crazy things like “I like to eat dead unicorns and stuffed hedgehogs,” and then laugh like a creepy witch as loud as I can. 


What would the world be like if we could see outside of the visible color spectrum?  I wonder if the colors we see now would drown in all the new colors.  Being an artist I think about things like that.


Why does candy corn sometimes have the white tip missing?  That’s my favorite part! Who would deprive me of it? **glares** Is there a white-tip-of-the-candy-corn thief?  x)


Is it weird that I like to dip my fries in my shake (no matter what flavor)? Or that I use peanut butter like mayo in all sandwiches?  Or that I dip my grilled cheese in ketchup?  I think it’s interesting how people eat common foods in different ways.  I just hate it when I eat something a different way or say I don’t like a certain food, and people go all drama queen on me.  “EEEEWWW!!! That’s like soooo GROSS!”  Just suck it up.  I don’t complain when you eat nasty things.  As long as you’re not waving it in my face or chewing with your mouth open so I can conduct a study on how saliva aids the digestion process by already starting to break down food once it hits your repulsive mouth, who cares??  It’s just a difference of taste buds.


I laugh to myself when I hear people say they’re afraid of the dark.  Darkness isn’t scary.  People are afraid of what darkness conceals.  The unknown.  When I was little, I was afraid of the dark.  I was afraid to go into the basement when the lights weren’t on.  Now I know that I had an overactive imagination and probably watched too many murder/mystery tv shows.  I was afraid that someone had snuck in through a basement window and was just waiting for me to come down the stairs so he could grab me and threaten my life to make my family do what he wanted.  I also thought there were two alligators that lived under the stairs and once I turned off the lights and took the first step to go upstairs, they’d somehow appear at the bottom of the stairs.  I had to race up the stairs as fast as I could and close the door because they were right behind me, with their mouths open, ready to snap off my heels.  I never looked back to “see them” so don’t worry; I wasn’t a hallucinating child.


Hmmm... I liked writing this.  I think this will be something like a series of posts.  I’ll post a “thoughts” post whenever I organize some of my old notes or when I come up with new ones.

Sugar!!!!!

Are you a sugar addict?  Though it sounds funny and innocent, it’s not.  Well, drug and alcohol and nicotine, even caffeine, addictions are far worse, right?  I’d say, no. Why? Because sugar isn’t taken seriously.  The foods Americans eat are loaded with sugar, and we are daily eating dangerous quantities that have drug-like effects.  Sugar can be biochemically addictive; so it’s not just an emotional bond.  Some people are sugar sensitive, making them more inclined to become addicted.  It’s just like how some people are already wired to have a potential alcohol addition before they’ve even had their first drink.

Why is sugar not taken seriously? Well, I would say because sugar, or--scientifically speaking--glucose, a form of sugar, is the fuel for our bodies.  It provides energy to cells which allows them to do the task they are specialized for and also helps with cell growth.  But, people don’t realize that a nutrient, something we need every day, could cause imbalances or lead to serious problems.  There are many nutrients that we need, but if we take them in excess they become toxic.
 
The thing is our bodies plan for deficiencies and not abundances when it comes to sugar.  They don’t know about pudding-stuffed doughnuts, hot fudge and brownie sundaes, and the endless range of flavors in soft drinks.  
 
When we eat excessive sugar, say a king size Snickers, glucose is dumped quickly into our bloodstream almost at the speed as if we injected it directly.  This causes our blood sugar to go up.  At this time, you feel the boost, the little pick-me-up, that sugar gives.  However, our bodies will immediately want to lower the high blood sugar.  Our pancreas begins making insulin.  Insulin is like the key that allows glucose to enter cells.  It is a hormone that binds to glucose and allows it to enter a cell’s membrane.  If your body actually needed the glucose, then it would use it for energy, but most of the time, such a spike is not needed and is stored.  So, by releasing insulin into our bodies, it allows our cells to absorb the glucose out of our bloodstream and therefore lowering our sugar level.  However, insulin works so well that it lowers our blood sugar below the normal level.  Usually, glucose is the only fuel used by the brain.  Brain power requires a lot of energy and neurons can’t store glucose so they depend on a steady supply.  Low blood sugar causes tiredness, the inability to think clearly, and depression.  It also makes you hungry.  People who don’t realize what’s going on are tempted to reach for another candy bar, the food that caused the imbalance, thinking it’ll replenish the energy they feel they somehow lost.

Here’s a list of 146 reasons why too much sugar is ruining your health. 146!!  Though many of them are related to each other, it was mind blowing to me all the things that sugar affects.  It affects your daily vital functions, long-term functions, and increases risk of countless deadly diseases.

Some of the “facts” might be misleading.  For instance, #92 says that sugar feeds cancer.  This is true, but sugar feeds all cells in the human body.  Sugar does not feed cancer cells more than other cells in the body. Whether we eat excessive amounts of sugar or not, there will always be sugar in our bodies because it is our energy.  However, when cells are well fed, they grow.  If we eat sugar that our healthy cells don’t even need, patients with cancer could be causing their cancer cells to grow.  

         
I found it interesting when I found that sugar negatively effects our immune system.  I get colds approximately three to four times a year.  I get a nasty sore throat every time and I never realized that eating sugary foods could prevent my body from fighting the infection.  It has been studied that eating or drinking just 8 teaspoons of sugar, which is like two cans of pop (or soda), can diminish our white blood cells ability to fight germs by forty percent starting thirty minutes after consumption and lasting for about five hours.

How much sugar do our bodies need daily?

None.  Our bodies do not need any added sugar.  Carbs, proteins, and fat can be converted to glucose which is adequate enough.  Our bodies are designed to get glucose from natural foods such as fruits vegetables, grains and even fat because they take longer to digest and you avoid the blood sugar fluctuations.  When we need energy, our metabolism makes glucose gradually from those raw materials.  People don’t realize how very little sugar our bodies need.  People also don’t realize how much sugar they are consuming in their diet, especially in drinks.  The only time it is good to eat refined table sugar in your food is after hardcore exercising like marathon running or if you’re very weak from vomiting or days of lack of nourishment.

How do I change my diet?

Now you’re probably thinking, I’m doing horrible things to my body; how can I possibly change my habits?

Only eat naturally occurring sugar like the sugar found in fruit. This is much healthier than the processed sugar in candy, cake, and other desserts.

Avoid saturated sugary drinks, like soda and fruit drinks. It is fine to drink 100% fruit juice, but only in moderation. Stick to serving size.

Limit your splurges of dessert, to two times a week.  Moderation!!

Eat whole, healthy, unprocessed food.