Well, this'll be fun to read in the morning...

I hate these posts on Facebook that have all these “most amazing photos ever taken” or “look at this heartwarming story.”  I’m just over here sobbing; don’t mind me.  I also hate these Christian relationship posts about marriage or what kind of man has the true potential of love.  I even hate the posts of singleness, too.  They’re so sappy or liberating (not that I want to be in chains). I just hate them.  I don’t know why, but I do.

I’ve thought about marriage, but I never was one to obsess over and romanticize it.  I never planned my own wedding.  I’ve vaguely thought about what my dress should look like or certain ambiguous ideas here and there, but I don’t have a “my dream wedding” pin board on Pinterest.  In fact, I don’t know that I want to get married.  I might elope.  Or I won’t even have a man, I’ll stay alone.  I can’t plan these things.  Obviously, I’m not dead set against marriage or men to vow to singleness forever.  I’ve made the list of what I want in a man, but that’s not going to happen with precision.  Ev’ybody gots flaws.  Even if it’s just bad grammar.  Which isn’t a peeve of mine, by the way.

I might just be one of those people that demonize marriage.

I believe I’ve the potential to be a good spouse (Ew, rhymes with louse).  That doesn’t mean I deserve a lover.  That doesn’t mean a man on this earth will love me.  There’s no guarantee.  I guess I feel rather skeptical.  I’m not waiting, but I wonder if there will be a “single stage” + “married stage” in my life or just a “single stage.”  That would totally make it not a stage at all, but just life.  But all the world’s a stage and we’re all merely.. stop it!  Life ain’t Shakespeare.  Well, it probably is.. ugh.  Anyway, so I could then stop wondering if I’m going to be slapped in the face with a random dude with God’s booming voice saying, “He’s ‘the one.’ Go fetch.”  

I feel like my internal-isms get really confusing sometimes.  Maybe I should shut up. 

Nah, I really like to be coherent so let’s try saying it this way:  I’m a frickin’ stellar and phenomenal child of God (I like those adjectives, don’t you?) who isn’t granted a man in her life.  No one is granted a soulmate.  I don’t believe in soulmates.  Love is a choice which sucks because that means that love isn’t easy.  It puts the responsibility on each and every one of us.  It isn’t a magic spell that makes us fall in love, it’s hard work.  There’s not some mystical, involuntary, force that takes over a person to make them fall in love.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I don’t want to believe it’s easy.  I feel like the whole soulmate complex is for people who can’t deal with rejection and need some way to cope. “Well it wasn’t meant to be because he just wasn’t ‘the one.’”  Sorry darling, the person chose not to love you.  

Damn, I’m heartless.

Also, I don’t know how to apply the Bible in my life.  There’s so much of it that seems a little off and I’m just like, “Do we throw the book out the window because it’s all “cultural” and has no place in our current lives?”

I should read it and not just listen to people talk about it. 

I am not a good person.  I never read my Bible and I almost never pray.  And I feel like I have no hope that God will bring good things into my life.  He didn’t promise me that.  But he did promise that He’d bring me comfort.  Well, sometimes I’m comforted by Him, but I’ve never had anything extremely bad happen to me.  “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  Now I know that’s probably not really in the Bible, but I can’t help but wonder am I a wimp or something?  Does God not give me extreme hardship because I’d easily run from Him or fall apart?

Interesting idea.  We will never be happy in life because we aren’t meant to be happy.  Like, how people say we have evil in the world to appreciate and value the good.  What about our view of heaven?  How can we appreciate the glories of heaven if life on earth is happy as well.  This is our suffering stage until we are united in eternity.  If you only seek “feel good” happiness you’ll never achieve it.  Contentment comes from the desire to glorify God.

I do have the desire to know about God’s character, but I feel really down when I think that the truth can’t be certain.  I know God is truth and that’s that, but as far as truth about Him and what He wants for me, what He wants for other people, how He wants us to interact with each other, what He wants us to do.. all of that.. stuff is all opinion.  I’ll read the Bible and be a Christian with very individualized beliefs that I can be certain that some how, some where all the line, something will conflict with even the closest theologian to me.

I truly need to pursue being a better person for Christ.

I’ve always said I want to be content but not comfortable.  When you’re comfortable, you become stagnant. I always want to know everything, but realized it wouldn’t be good because then I would have nothing to strive for.  I’m not being a hypocrite here because I love that I want to know everything.  That desire is a good thing, but I’ll never be able to achieve it and I honestly don’t want all that knowledge.  “The surest way to bore people is to tell them everything.” I always remember random quotes without the names attached.  There would be no mystery in life to spark my curiosity.  I always want to seek knowledge and learn more about myself and other people.  If I knew everything I would be comfortable and that’s not good.  I am content with what I know now, but I’m not comfortable. I’m still antsy to learn.

With that being said, I’ve always had this emptiness inside me.  Everyone would say that emptiness should be filled with the Holy Spirit.  But if I’m a Christian, which I am, shouldn’t that be filled already?  What am I missing?  What is blocking me from having a deep relationship with Christ?  I tried filling it with people, places, activities, events, and even things--though I’m not very materialistic; I always feel like I have too much stuff.  Sometimes, there is fulfillment, but it never lasts and I hunger on for more.  I don’t know where to go from here.  I’m stuck.  I try and fail, try and fail.  Sometimes you think you got everything all together and it’s like a brick wall when you realize you don’t have it all under control.  We are a culture that prides itself on individuality and independence, but no one should be as independent as they want to be.  We need to rely on other people.  I'm trying to work on vulnerability and trust and not bottling everything up.  Don't know about you, but I think it's working. :P

Life is complex.  People are complex.  I’m complex.  Nothing’s simple.  So get that out of your head.

What is wrong with me? I should just go to sleep.  I get too cynical when I’m tired.

Oh and did I really just write a post about hating a certain type of post that ended up morphing into that very kind of post that I hate?