Confidence
I have a love-hate relationship with the process of writing. It helps me cope and rejoice with whatever life throws at me. Mostly cope though. I’ll admit, I find it to be the most comforting to write when I’m angry or when I'm hurt. On the other hand, sometimes writing doesn’t satisfy me at all, especially when I can’t figure out how to express myself exactly the way I want. There are times when what I need to do to get through the day is to sit down and let my feelings fly. I let my fingertips go on autopilot, taking over in a frantic percussion of clicking and tapping. Those moments are so special. It’s filled with nervous adrenaline to not forget a single thought, and anticipating what might be a emotionally satisfying piece even if no one else ever reads it. Somehow, during the formation of paragraphs, my tears dry up and I’m focused on perfecting my thoughts instead of how those thoughts felt ten minutes ago. By the end, I’m drained, but before me is the closure that it was worth it. But some days, I have moments where I don’t want to write even when I have something I need to spill. Knowing the mental and physical energy needed, it’s hard to initiate it. Or like today, I’ve had an idea mulling over and over for months, but I didn’t know where to start. For me, the words have to come to me naturally; it’s an artistic and emotional release. It can’t be forced or else it becomes maddening and stressful.
There are times where I stay awake in bed at night replaying moments of the day over and over in my head. I’m upset over something I did, or how someone affected my day. Why did I say that? Act that way? I could’ve been a little clearer. Why didn’t I say something different? Why can’t I just say what I’m thinking? I’m not as confident as I wish I could be. Some days I’m just emotionally vulnerable. I already have too much on my plate, already thinking about several other problems, stress, no sleep; everyone’s been there. It all adds up to me being socially reclusive where one disapproving glance or cheeky remark sends me to automatic shutdown where I turn quiet, still, and expressionless. I retreat to a dark world where I make lists of why my life sucks. I hate it when I’m like that. That’s not me. I’m sensitive to my surroundings way too much. I’m able to forgive. I don’t hold a grudge, I don’t lash back because I know bitterness destroys people and I’d turn into an antagonist just like the person or persons who hurt me. But a wall is still put up. I may forgive, but I never forget. Eventually, the initial circumstance doesn’t even matter and I turn to being upset that I’m actually upset! I’m hurt that I was actually hurt. I’m insecure about my insecurities. Why did what was said hurt me? Why should I care? Why do I act this way? Why can’t I always be happy and not let things affect me so much? How could something so insignificant ruin how I feel?
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. -Proverbs 29:25
Why do I let people have that power over me?
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with who I am and I don’t want to be anyone else, but I still have this handicap; I hold back to protect myself. I can’t fake confidence because ..well, it’s fake and people catch on to that. But I get so mad at myself for letting my environment have so much control over me. I’m not stupid, I realize it’s pointless to change my appearance and personality because no matter what not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone is going to like my choice in clothes, my hair, my opinions, and my beliefs. Not everyone is going to understand me, laugh at my jokes, or take the time to get to know me because they base my entire personality on first impression. I know that I’m not worthless. I know I am or will be important and cherished to someone even if it is just God.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Cor. 12:9
The world is careless. It is so judgmental. We live in a world of belittlers because that’s the only way they can build themselves up by tearing someone else apart. It’s really sad when I think of it that way. People come from different backgrounds and sometimes the only way they can cope with their troubles is by lashing out. Are they so dead to empathy that they don’t care what they say and do? I pray for these people because they are lost. They don’t know what they’re doing.
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Gal. 2:20
For the longest time, I thought making friends meant trying to please everybody. I knew that I couldn’t just conform to the latest trends or change the way I act because that shows weakness. And it’s really obvious. Have you ever noticed the people that change all the time? They’re never consistent because what’s popular never makes up it’s mind; trends and popularity change.
So instead I held back from saying or doing things so that I wouldn’t offend or annoy anyone. I was really nice too; I agreed with whoever I was with or just didn’t voice an opinion. I thought that then everyone would be my friend. Or maybe I was just trying to avoid confrontation or getting hurt. But then several years ago, I realized that holding back made me dull. I wasn’t letting people see the real me. I had turned into this quiet, reserved person, that no one wants to hang out with because they realized I was hiding. I had to stop being one-dimensional.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9
Most people’s advice is that life gets easier when you stop caring about what other people think. I don’t agree. I never ever want to not care about another person’s thoughts and feelings. I personally feel that you need to care about the talk about you if you want to keep your integrity and reputation. I can’t express enough how important other people’s thoughts about myself are to me. I have grown so much as a person when people honestly tell me what they think about me. I become aware of social tendencies and ticks I might have so I can improve upon myself. I can polish my communication skills with other people who are different than I am. I love college because I am making friends with unique people who have different ideas about the world than I do.
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