Trust

I hate saying my day went badly, even if it did because so many people hear about the bad things and automatically shut it out as complaining and whining. You know, “first world” problems. “Third world” problems are “When’s my next meal?” and “first world” problems are “Why does everybody hate me?” So some people say something like, “Don’t complain because you have dinner and other people in the world don’t.” I don’t believe that at all. Your biggest problem is your biggest problem. There’s no rank. Even people with growling stomachs have so-called “first world” problems like emotional insecurities. I am very thankful for what I have: house, food, clothes, clean water, soap, shoes... It’s not like I don’t appreciate those things. I just become less aware of them. I mean when someone throws hurtful words my way, my first thought isn’t, “Well at least I’ll have supper tonight.” You’re not as thankful until you don’t have it. Which is why greed is so stupid.  More, more, more. Enough is never enough. Once a person attains one thing they’ll soon be spying on something else.

I have a hard time trusting people.

It’s not that I’m incapable of trust. I just have very few people I can talk to openly about anything--right now no one. It’s weird how I can tell when someone is trustworthy or not. Sometimes I can just tell from the moment I meet them that if we became close, they’d keep my secrets.

Honestly, I don’t know anyone--or very few--people that truly want to know how my day went--both good and bad. Especially the bad. Or maybe they care and I just think they don’t because secretly I just don’t want to talk about it.

I know I don’t always trust people because I don’t want to get hurt. I’ve never been back stabbed in a life-altering way; I’m just sensitive. Gosh, I hate that word because I know it makes people think of a whiny wimp. I know that’s what I think of. I know that I’m sensitive so I’m protecting myself. I’ve put up a lot of barriers. I need someone to be patient and break them down. Sensitivity can be viewed as a weakness--sometimes it is for me, but I also think it’s a strength. My sensitivity--to anything: joy, sympathy, understanding, not just the things that hurt--makes me a better writer, artist, and actress. I can relate with most anything even if I’ve never felt it, but just because I can understand the feeling. I tend to be able to see what lies underneath someone’s actions...or at least come up with some good guesses. I’m very observant. One thing I can’t stand is people who have no sympathy for others. They so easily lash out or blurt out words without realizing what they’ve done. And sometimes it’s what they haven’t done like totally ignoring someone and leaving them out.

I know I’ve hurt people too, and I’m so sorry once I realize it. My biggest regret though is never realizing it. I could just make one comment; maybe I’m just in a bad mood, and I could hurt someone or make them self conscious without knowing it.

I keep things to myself.

My thoughts race by, different feelings flicker in and out of my brain constantly, and I don’t utter a word. That’s why I like to write. I can vent all I want on paper without being angry at someone. I have a book that’s my venting book. The funny thing is if anyone started reading my book they’d think I’m some crazy, angry maniac all the time. I’m not. I write in it so I don’t act like that. See? I’m a considerate crazy angry maniac. Haha No, I don’t get mad that often. Most things in life, like the little things that are annoying, I don’t dwell on or let them bother me. That’s life and I can’t change it by letting it upset me.