Bucket List ;D

I have an infatuation with lists.  They're really fun!  Birthday wish lists.  Things I want in my dream house lists.  Missions in life lists.  Things I'd like to have lists.  Spiritual goals lists.  But even practical lists like to do lists.  Grocery lists.  Things I want to take pictures of or paint/draw lists.  What to take on vacation lists.  Things I need to buy lists.  Future blog posts lists. ;)  I'm definitely not a organization freak or anything.  And I'm not "controlled" by my lists; like I have to have a list to live life--to do anything!  But I do think it helps me to better organize my life a little bit and also helps me not to forget anything.

So I made a bucket list.  For fun. And here it is..

It's incomplete because I honestly think there's more crazy or unique stuff to do in the world that I just haven't thought of or don't know about.

Go on a game show (like Wheel of Fortune, Millionaire, Minute to Win It, or some survival show)

Go hang gliding

See the northern lights

Go to Ireland, Austria, Australia, Italy, Africa, and other places around the world that I haven't decided on yet

Go to all 50 states (I've been to 39 or so; that's pretty good)

Learn to tap dance

Participate in an epic food fight  (mud fight would be fun too!)

Play the piano again or maybe learn guitar

Build up my physical endurance

Run a marathon

Go zip lining

Climb a mountain

Train a horse

Learn to jump (a horse)

Own a plethora of pets  (horses, dogs, cats, rabbits, lizards, raccoon, pot bellied pig, turtle, parrot, flying squirrel, etc..)

Go zorbing  heyy I'm a hamster!!! (I always want to spell it hamPster though I pronounce it correctly)

Make a pie and biscuits from scratch (I've made biscuits, but they were.... yucky.  So they don't count.  I blame it on old baking powder)

Breath helium and talk like a chipmunk lol

Win a trip for two or something and go with a friend

Learn to swim (OMGSH YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM!?!?! No, I don't know how to swim which is partly because I didn't have a pool and I nearly drowned once in a neighbor's pool.)

Once I learn to swim, go white water river rafting and scuba diving and kayaking and swimming with dolphins! YEAH!

Repel a wall or building or something

Walk with snow shoes on... in the snow...  duh.

Go on a dog driven sled

Go on an Alaskan cruise

Learn woodworking or wood carving also wood burning it looks so cool!

Learn how to fix a flat tire :P

Go rock climbing (with ropes and everything cuz I ain't suicidal)

Make a vase using a pottery wheel

This Blog Thing

My senior year is coming to an end. So I’ve started to wonder about this blog and where it’s going. I really want to continue writing. It’s been very therapeutic. Writing these posts, I mean. I don’t always explain, face to face with someone in conversation, my exact, complete thoughts and this blog has been good for that. I can talk about how I’m feeling or what I’ve been thinking about lately and not get interrupted--rather selfish of me I know. But it’s so nice to express my thoughts without someone butting in with their own opinions and advice thinking it’s their turn to contribute to the conversation. You know how it is--you’ll talk a little and then they’ll talk a little taking turns back and forth. And I’m not under the pressure to write an entire story, or a book for that matter.

The thing is there are so many things I could write about. There’s just one problem--they come in bursts. I want to be able to write posts when I have my writing bursts. If I’m not at the computer writing it down as I think it, it gets lost. I don’t have a laptop which would really help things. I’m getting one this fall though :D :D !!!

So many times I lose ideas, can’t get down my complete thought, or don’t write the exact way I wanted to say something simply because my brain works too fast. I have a notebook to write in if I can’t access the computer, but I don’t know if I’m just a slow writer or if things just come to me so much faster than I can write them down. Even at the computer, I can get lost. I’ll start typing out a sentence and then continue thinking and expand, expand, expand, until I remember that I have an unfinished sentence and I totally forgot how it went. And then, just like that, I'll forget the details of the paragraph or so that I’d written in my head. As you can tell, I’ve had a lot of unfinished thoughts.

Or, things go unfinished--or at least not to my liking--because it’s an assignment and I don’t have the time to stop, take a step back, mull it over in my brain, come back to it, and figure out the best way to convey my meaning. And when something is done, it’s done. Handing it in and having somebody read it kills all incentive to go back and straighten it all out--unless of course it’s a first draft and I have to redo it.

Right now, my blog is my voice unread. No one reads these words flowing out of my fingers right now. Well, maybe three...and my class is forced to, but even that is being optimistic. But I like it that way. I don’t want to expand, optimize, monetize my blog prematurely. This is my last assigned post--which is a “whatever you want.” I want to be consistently writing posts on my own before I have the world--possibly--reading them. I guess I'm just cautious like that because I hate failing myself.

So, I hope I will continue on, but for a little while it might just be here and there. I'm not promising anything.

Depression

This week was probably the worst possible week to get sick.  I had a speech to give, play practice to go to (the play is next week too and when I get sick, it lingers), and I had to write a post about depression.  Depression is probably the worst topic to write about when you're sick.  I was weak and miserable and just researching depression made me depressed, but I realized that my lethargy was no where near what people go through who suffer from depression.   

Depression is a silent killer. Many who suffer from it can hide it enough to go unnoticed and never ask for help. Many don’t even realize they have a problem and think everyone deals with the same emotions and physical problems. Suicide is thought to be the only way out; that no one will help because this disease tends to cause people to have negative, distrusting thoughts towards others. Depression also causes the feeling of worthlessness which leads to delusional thoughts like “No one would want to help me or care if I died.”

Causes of Depression

• Physical, mental, or sexual abuse
•  
• Prolonged illness
• 
  
• Chronic pain
• 
  
• Medication
• 
  
• Relationship conflict
• 
  
• Loved one’s death or any personal loss
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• Addiction
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• Stressful events
• 
  
• Other personal problems such as rejection and insecurity
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• No reason or none that has been discovered yet

Though these factors cause depression there still has to be another reason. After all, people live through many of the trials listed above without having depression.

What I look for in a Guy..

I can’t fathom who the “perfect” man for me will actually be. I recently had a group discussion in my creative writing class where we each gave a character quality we find attractive. Since most were going to say “being a Christian” that was excluded. Afterwards, I went home and wrote down the ones said and then made a list of my own. But then I started seriously thinking about whether or not my criteria will actually match my future hubby.

I realized that my list was the easy way out.

I just thought about all the things that annoy me and hope he doesn’t have those things and then thought up all the things that I admire in a person and hope he has those qualities. But real marriage isn’t like that. No one has a perfect marriage because no one can love perfectly. No human is always patient, kind, unenvious, meek, humble, respectful, selfless, peaceful, forgiving, optimistic, protective, trusting, hopeful, persevering, and committed. (1 Cor. 13:4-7)

There’s no way I can find the right man for me on my own. It’s such a challenging and overwhelming task. I’m quite ok with leaving it completely up to God--how, where, and when is the right time in my life. 

But it was still fun to make this list and think up the unattainable “perfect” guy. xD

Seven qualities I find attractive...

How to Make Money from Your Blog

There are many ways to monetize your blog a little money or even large amounts if you’re serious about it. Companies are more than willing to pay you so that they can put ads on your site. Two such companies are Amazon and Google through the Amazon Associates Program and Google Adsense.

Amazon Associates

Amazon Associates is a online affiliate marketing program that gives an income to those who advertise Amazon products. It’s as simple as adding helpful links in your posts that direct readers to an Amazon product related to your article. Affiliates can receive up to 15% in referral fees.

How do I become an Amazon Affiliate?

1. Go to the bottom of the Amazon.com home page and find a link for "Join Associates."  Follow the link.  This will allow you to sign up for the Amazon Affiliate program.

2. You will need create an Amazon account or sign in if you already have one.

3. Next, there will be a form requesting your name, company name, address for payment, and website info. Fill it out, choose from the many options of payment, and read the terms and conditions of becoming an affiliate. Then, send your information to be approved.

4. Once you’ve been accepted, there will be an Amazon initiation where you have to stand on your head... no, just kidding! Now you can use Amazon for links. There will be a bar that appears whenever you’re on Amazon that helps with linking.

Amazon Associates is a popular monetizing program because Amazon is a trusted company that many people go to for their online shopping to buy an array of different products. Bloggers with extremely narrow niches are able to find products to link to. Amazon product lines include books, electronics, kitchen items, tools, lawn and garden, toys, games, baby products, clothing, sporting goods, health and personal-care items, cosmetics, and musical instruments. Anyone can sell things on Amazon, not just companies, which also increases the chance of someone selling something related to what you write about. 4% commission is the base rate, but the percentage goes up as you lead more people to buy products. And the up side is that once you lead a person to Amazon, for the next 24 hours you get a percentage from anything that person buys.

Google Adsense

When one starts monetizing their site or blog, it’s best to have more than one affiliate program. Amazon doesn’t always have the highest pay, though their are ways to optimize your earnings.   Another popular choice is Google Adsense.  Google Adsense puts ads on your site for free with a pay per click program. There are for types of ads available: Adsense for content, Adsense for Search, Referrals, and Adsense for Mobile. Adsense for content is the most popular. Adsense for content is automatically content sensitive. It is programed to put related ads on every single web page on your site. So, if a visitor is reading your article on gymnastics there might be an ad selling leotards that he/she might click on which gives you a profit.

How do I sign up for Google Adsense?


1. Apply for Google Adsense. You must first submit your website to Google. On the main page of Google.com, there is a link for Google Advertising Programs. From there, click on “Get Started with Adsense” and fill out the necessary forms needed to submit your site. You will have to get an approval e-mail by Google, before you can go on to step 2. For some people, it’s hard to get approved. You have to wait until you have some quality content and a little traffic to your site. It’s advised to wait until you’ve had your site for six months before applying.

2. Log into your Google Adsense account. You will see tabs at the top; pick the "Adsense Setup" tab.

3. Choose which kind of ad you want: Adsense for content, Adsense for Search, Referrals, or Adsense for Mobile. There will be a brief description of each.

4. Create the ad. Go through the process of designing your ad. It will take you through the options where you choose exactly what your ad will look like on your site. At the end, you will then receive a HTML code to highlight and copy.

5. Now go to your site and under the layout editing, paste the code where you want the ad to be. With Blogger, go to the Layout/Page Elements and click the link “Add a Gadget” and then the “HTML/Java Script” option.

6. Save and publish your changes. Yay!!! You’re done!!

With Blogger, you can also create the ad right from your blog instead of using the Google site. You would follow step 5, but instead of clicking “HTML/Java Script” click “Adsense.” From there you can do steps 3 and 4 right from Blogger.

Trust

I hate saying my day went badly, even if it did because so many people hear about the bad things and automatically shut it out as complaining and whining. You know, “first world” problems. “Third world” problems are “When’s my next meal?” and “first world” problems are “Why does everybody hate me?” So some people say something like, “Don’t complain because you have dinner and other people in the world don’t.” I don’t believe that at all. Your biggest problem is your biggest problem. There’s no rank. Even people with growling stomachs have so-called “first world” problems like emotional insecurities. I am very thankful for what I have: house, food, clothes, clean water, soap, shoes... It’s not like I don’t appreciate those things. I just become less aware of them. I mean when someone throws hurtful words my way, my first thought isn’t, “Well at least I’ll have supper tonight.” You’re not as thankful until you don’t have it. Which is why greed is so stupid.  More, more, more. Enough is never enough. Once a person attains one thing they’ll soon be spying on something else.

I have a hard time trusting people.

It’s not that I’m incapable of trust. I just have very few people I can talk to openly about anything--right now no one. It’s weird how I can tell when someone is trustworthy or not. Sometimes I can just tell from the moment I meet them that if we became close, they’d keep my secrets.

Honestly, I don’t know anyone--or very few--people that truly want to know how my day went--both good and bad. Especially the bad. Or maybe they care and I just think they don’t because secretly I just don’t want to talk about it.

I know I don’t always trust people because I don’t want to get hurt. I’ve never been back stabbed in a life-altering way; I’m just sensitive. Gosh, I hate that word because I know it makes people think of a whiny wimp. I know that’s what I think of. I know that I’m sensitive so I’m protecting myself. I’ve put up a lot of barriers. I need someone to be patient and break them down. Sensitivity can be viewed as a weakness--sometimes it is for me, but I also think it’s a strength. My sensitivity--to anything: joy, sympathy, understanding, not just the things that hurt--makes me a better writer, artist, and actress. I can relate with most anything even if I’ve never felt it, but just because I can understand the feeling. I tend to be able to see what lies underneath someone’s actions...or at least come up with some good guesses. I’m very observant. One thing I can’t stand is people who have no sympathy for others. They so easily lash out or blurt out words without realizing what they’ve done. And sometimes it’s what they haven’t done like totally ignoring someone and leaving them out.

I know I’ve hurt people too, and I’m so sorry once I realize it. My biggest regret though is never realizing it. I could just make one comment; maybe I’m just in a bad mood, and I could hurt someone or make them self conscious without knowing it.

I keep things to myself.

My thoughts race by, different feelings flicker in and out of my brain constantly, and I don’t utter a word. That’s why I like to write. I can vent all I want on paper without being angry at someone. I have a book that’s my venting book. The funny thing is if anyone started reading my book they’d think I’m some crazy, angry maniac all the time. I’m not. I write in it so I don’t act like that. See? I’m a considerate crazy angry maniac. Haha No, I don’t get mad that often. Most things in life, like the little things that are annoying, I don’t dwell on or let them bother me. That’s life and I can’t change it by letting it upset me.

Make It A Life Worth Living

Dreams

I’ve been told so many times to not expect much.  Don’t get your hopes up.  Realize you probably won’t make it so why even bother?  What you can expect from life is disappointment and unfulfillment.

Pshh  What do I say to that?  I’m not going to let you predict my life.  How do you know?  Why must you be so negative?   I say, go for your dreams!!!  Though plan financially a little bit. :P  But if you set low expectations you’ll only reach your low expectations.

What happens when you don’t meet your expectations?  I must admit I have a problem with that.  I’m way too hypercritical of myself.  Maybe I really did meet the expectation, but I’m still positive I could’ve done better.  It’s so silly.  I know I’m not perfect, but I still beat myself up over some of the stupid stuff I do.  I am my worst critic.

Disappointment

I don’t get it when someone tells me not to get my hopes up.  No matter what, I’ll be disappointed; it’s just a matter of time.  Either I’ll get disappointed because the person thinks I’m already doomed to fail.  Or most likely.  Chances aren’t good.  They don’t have confidence in me and it kind of tends to rub off so that I’m not encouraged or excited anymore at all.  So I’m already disappointed before I even find out the results of whatever I was hoping for!  And what is wrong with disappointment!?  Yeah, I hate, but it just proves that I wanted something, that I had a goal, desire, plan for my life and if it didn’t happen, “Oh well.”  That’s life and I’ll just have to try and minimize the pity party, brush myself off, and look for another opportunity.    

Besides, I’d rather go for a dream than kick myself years later for not even trying.

I challenge anyone that reads this to follow your dreams no matter what anyone says.  Don’t let others kill your desires. You can do it!

Paranoia

Use your imagination!  Just don’t kill yourself.

I have an overactive imagination.  I can start day dreaming and make up this entire, complex story and then forget all or most of it as soon as I shake myself out of it.  I’m sure I’ve written lengthly novels in my head that are gone forever.  Then I experience this “woah” feeling wondering what just happened.  There’s been times where I’ve been thinking about a memory of mine, something I did, and I can’t remember when, where, or who I was with.  Certain details had escaped me and usually I’m one to remember every little thing.  It would bug me for some time until I realized, “That was a dream I had once.”  I can’t believe how dreams can be so real sometimes that I could actually think it actually happened.  You know the feeling of waking up from a dream and thinking it was real?  Within a few seconds, you realized it wasn’t because, obviously, you’re still in bed.  Well the eerie part of it for me is months later I think I had some kind of experience and I’m stumped because it’s a little fuzzy and don’t realize it never happened.

The thing about an overactive imagination is that it can make me a little paranoid.  I think paranoia is an interesting topic.  And not the mental illness.  The little suspicious, slightly irrational distrust that everyone has about someone or something, real or imagined.  I never ever “see” anything I imagine.  I can kind of project it onto the back of my eyelids, but any images still seem fuzzy or transparent.  I think everyone gets a little paranoid about certain things...at least I hope so.  Otherwise, I might be delusional, folks! ;)

I can be paranoid in a safety way.  As in, is that guy lurking around (course he really isn’t lurking, I just think he is...my imagination) just waiting to pounce on me, tie me up, gag me, and dump me into the back of a big white van with no windows?  (Yep, all big white vans without windows might as well have “We have candy, kids,” written on the side.) 

I always feel like someone’s watching me.  I feel like there could be someone sitting in the tree in my backyard with a pair of binoculars staring at me.  It’s not an intense feeling; just creepy, and makes me look out the window to see.  I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to be kidnapped and then escape or somehow come out of it alive.  Not enough to wish it would happen though!

When I was younger...

One cause of it I think is my dad.  He’s always telling me to be aware of my surroundings and be cautious and careful.  I know he’s just trying to be helpful. Be careful of dark alleys; that sort of thing.  One time he told me that if I ever came across a squirrel that was acting funny, unusually not startled by a human, and foaming at the mouth, that that squirrel had rabies and I should get away from it.  Now, I was one of those kids that obnoxiously ran after squirrels like a dog screaming at the top of my lungs.  So I was pretty freaked out that there could be a dangerous squirrel out there that would start chasing me!  For weeks I wouldn’t go outside to play.  Or I’d forget, go out and start swinging on our swing set, realize there could be a squirrel hiding behind a tree somewhere waiting for me, and run like mad back into the house.  Yes, I realize that was crazy; that’s why it’s called paranoia.

I’m never letting my kids watch something scary on TV while they’re young.  Like the red-eyed bear in Fox and the Hound scared me--and it was only because of the fact that he had red eyes.  I would cover my eyes during that part of the movie.  So, I never watched horror movies or anything, but the slightly scary parts of normal kids movies would freak me out.  When I was little, I watched a movie once that was about a family living in the wilderness.  They kept having these frequent run ins with this angry, bold wolf with a scar running down his face.  I realize now that that movie was what made me scared at night sometimes.  I had to have the windows shut and the blinds closed because I was afraid wolves were going to jump through my window.  I knew there were no wolves that lived in our area and that they couldn't possibly break through my window or even want to, but I was still afraid.  An irrational fear of my childhood.  Surprisingly, I never thought monsters were in my closet or under my bed.  Instead, I would imagine shadows moving on the walls and that snakes and alligators swam in an invisible sea under my bed and would snap at my toes if my legs hung over the side.

Was that really a joke?

Today, I tend to be paranoid about what people think...particularly of me.  I hate it when people joke with you and you’re not sure if they’re being mean and just won’t commit completely to the insult.  I’m not saying I don’t like joking around with people.  I can take a joke directed at me and probably retort one right back.  But sometimes I just think about it and wonder if it’s true.  Why would he/she even think that if they didn’t think it was true?  I can tell when someone is honestly just playing with me.  But then there’s the moment when I don’t know if a person is really joking with me or saying something mean and laughing it off with a, “Just kidding!”  Sometimes sarcasm can be used the wrong way--which is, sadly, cruel.

My paranoia--or imagination--has never escalated to become a problem.  It doesn’t control me and it doesn’t prevent me from living my life.  2 Timothy 1:7 says that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.  God doesn’t want me to be afraid.  Satan does though, but I will not give him the satisfaction.

The Future

I’m gonna graduate!!

I’ve been thinking about my future lately. I’m a senior in high school so I’d say it’s kind of a normal thing to be thinking about right now. There’s so many things to decide. Where should I go to school? What should I major in? How can I get a good education without breaking the bank? There’s so many choices! And then, what kind of career do I want? I want something I’ll love--doesn’t everybody? Will I make a living from it?

Passion and Motivation

At least, I have interests. I love art--any form of art; I’m not limited to the canvas stuff,--theater, and horses. I’m not one of those people who have absolutely no idea what they’re going to do with their lives. I knew a guy who’s goal in life when he was younger was to be the guy that put the new price in the sign of a gas station. You’ve seen those guys, right? They have a long pole with a magnet on the end that they use to pick up metal pieces with a letter or number on it to change a message or price under the company’s sign. I don’t want to be that guy.

There are so many struggling artists out there and so many struggling actors/actresses out there; will I make it? I’ve realized I can’t be scared. I have to pursue the things I love to do no matter how much money I make. Sorry Mom and Dad.

I was at a high school graduation last year and the speaker said something like this to the graduates, “You know that guy who gets up at the crack of lunch, playing with his Xbox, his pants hanging half way off his butt? Do not friend that guy! Do not date that guy! Do not bring him home!” And a response from a parent in the audience was a loud, “AMEN!” The point of it was to surround yourself with friends who have goals so that you aren’t dragged into doing nothing for the rest of your life. I need to make sure that my close friends also love God, and that in whatever they do they are giving all credit to Him.

The Career Plan

So, here’s the plan...if all goes well. I’m enrolling in a 10-month cosmetology course. During cosmetology school I’ll also take a math class or something so I have some credits when I go to college. I’ll then get a job at a salon cutting hair to help pay my way through college. Here’s where things get fuzzy. I don’t know what I want to do. Art and theater. Which one will be my major and which one will be my minor. Double major? I also don’t have a college that I like. I must admit I haven’t done much looking. But it’s a little overwhelming; there’s so much out there. Parts of me can’t wait and parts of me can. I don’t want to make any mistakes! I know. That sounds silly. I’m supposed to make mistakes and hopefully be smart and learn from them. Though I would learn from my mistakes, I’m afraid to make them. If I can, I want to avoid them. Mistakes can really mess up your life and sometimes the results are irreversible. I’m also really interested in the “behind the scene” aspects of theater. In between failed auditions, I could do set design, hair, makeup, costumes, and probably a bunch of other creative stuff that I just don’t know about. I’m so excited to learn more!

So yeah, I just felt like getting out my thoughts about all that... :) I’m optimistic!

I recently found this short story I wrote when I was in sixth grade.  At the time I wrote it, I remember thinking how much more I wanted to expand the story, but I was on a word limit so I couldn’t.  I wanted to write it like some girl telling her friend at school about her weekend and making a big, exaggerated tale out of it.  I ended up having to delete those parts because it got too long so I just used the actual story that my main character told her friend.  I never gave my character a name; didn’t want to, but I imagined she was about seven or eight years old and styled the writing accordingly.  I like this story; it’s so wacky and random and I always thought I would love to have this girl as my best friend.

“You will not believe what happened to me when....”

    ....my mommy said, “I’ll only be gone for two days.  Look after Henry while I’m gone and there’s mini pizzas in the freezer.”  She was out the door like that, leaving me behind, stranded with my little brother, Henry the Hulk, and the frozen pizzas, which mommy had secretly stuffed with spinach and said it was seasonings.

    Already, the Hulk had gotten into my box of beanie babies with his germ-infested, stubby hands.  “Let’s take a walk,” I said, but in my head I said, “Let’s get out the door so you don’t mess anything else up!”  While he was getting his shoes on, I threw my beanies into the washer.

    On our walk, I slipped on a banana peel, feel, blacked out, and woke up in a hospital bed.  How I got there, I’m still not sure because I was still a little woozy in the head.  I was told something about a clown in stinky underwear.

    I was able to go home in an hour.  The doc started wonderin’ where my “mama” was.  I didn’t want to tell him that she was away for the weekend, so I told him that my mom was in shock because her Uncle Curtis had died of the hiccups a year ago and that she wouldn’t answer the phone or door.  Then, doc started telling me about hiccups, and how deadly they are if not stopped.  All of that stuff freaked me out because I am a kid of many hiccuping days.  Just at the right moment, I sneaked out of the hospital with the Hulk, who had destroyed the play area in there.

    All of a sudden, we were kidnapped by robbers.  We were taken away to their little house on the prairie.  In the morning, while they raided our house, this weird skateboarder showed up and rescued us.  When we got outside, I kicked the boarder in the stomach, grabbed Hulk, and took off on his skateboard.  I didn’t know if that skateboarder-wanna-be wanted to kidnap us or not.  You never know about people like that.

    After that, reporters took pictures of me.  They said something about being the only person to beat up that skateboarder.  I found out that he was an agent for the FBI.  Oh yeah, those pictures of me wound up in Australia!

    After that we went home and got bored.  The only thing that was exciting was when Mommy came home, and when I got my beanies out of the wash.

Apathy poem

I suck at poetry.  It's not my thing.  I never compose poems unless I have to for an assignment.  Usually, I end up hating them because I tend to be hypercritical of my own stuff. 

Recently, I had to write a poem.  I've had this idea for a story in my head for a long time, but I wasn't sure how to write it.  Apathy.  Everyone suffers from apathy at one point or another and I think it's a serious problem today.  I feel it's absolutely impossible to motivate someone who doesn't want to be motivated--though I think that's the case for most things.  Ya know, you can't lead a horse to water and make him drink. 

Today, it's also hard to find someone who has a true passion for something; or anything really.  I believe that motivation can only come from God.  When we have a passion for God, we find out we have passions for other things too.  I can't motivate someone to change the way they are and it isn't my place to try.  I can only pray for them and love them in the way God wants me to. "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:7)  I can always trust in God that He has a plan for everything even though I may not understand at the moment.  And that every aggravating, annoying person I meet has a purpose--to teach me to deal with them and realize no one's perfect.  I can always hope that God is always working on said aggravating, annoying person.  There's this song I learned as a kid and the chorus goes, "Kids under construction; maybe the paint is still wet. Kids under construction; the Lord might not be finished yet."  I think that's kinda a cute summation.

Anyway, so I put off this idea.  I wanted to write it in an allegorical way and I wasn't sure how I was going to do that.  Then, when I had the poem assignment I had a lightbulb moment. "Heyyyy...! I could write my apathy idea as a poem."  It made perfect sense.  I got on the computer and immediately wrote the first four stanzas.  By the next day, I had finished it.  My pen just followed (metaphor alert: I actually worked on it on the computer xP) and I love it when that happens.  It's such a relief to get building ideas down on paper.  So, here it is, I don't know if it's any good but I like it--which is a rare thing for me to say.  It's free verse because I can't rhyme a story that actually makes sense. lol

Apathy

The ground emits a torrid warmth,

I rise from the powdered floor,

And cough on the chalky air,

My eyes blink open.

Monotone shades of flecked atmosphere,

Tunnels fade into a dark oblivion,

Bright rays blaze above me,

They fail to illuminate my surroundings.

I squint into the dimness at cubed burrows,

Supported by bare beams, they diminish into a stuffy murk,

I look up at the incandescent glare of sun streaks,

They frame the square rim of my deep chasm.

A mine shaft, I fell into a mine shaft,

My inanimate body is dead to feeling,

My brain is in a dead haze too,

I don’t care and I shut everything out.

I sense someone watching me,

My lethargic eyes open a little,

A faint figure in beige is walking near,

Who are you? I said.

She said, I’m concerned for you,

Why are you lying here,

And not trying to get out?

Go away, I said, you’re a hallucination!

You have a choice, she said,

You can stay in this pit full of pity,

Or you can get out,

There’s life outside these walls.

You are rewarded when you care,

Yeah right, I told her, all I get is disappointment,

You’ve never cared so how do you know?

I didn’t know what to say, she was right.

Well, what do I do?

She looked up and said, Climb,

I look up and then back at her,

She had disappeared.

Columns of parallel rays hit by body,

I’m half way to the opening of the mine shaft,

Below me is a vent of nothingness,

But above me is everything. 

I look up into the light and my foot slips,

The rim fades into the distance,

As I plummet to the floor of my abyss,

What’s the use, it’s hopeless!

Don’t give up,

Her voice sounded in my head,

The pit is too steep to climb,

Do I dare try one of the mine’s tunnels?

They have to exit somewhere,

Without a light, I enter,

An auspicious tunnel, or so I hope,

I’m enveloped in an insipid darkness.

I feel my way along the dingy walls,

I grow confused and lost,

Trudging through the inky sameness,

Will it ever end?

I’m about to think I’ve entered a sunless tomb,

When a vivid current of brightness gleams before me,

Like a star, at first, it gets bigger as I move towards it,

The light feeds me with a burst of energy.

I reach the exit and step out into a field,

Birds’ melody floats from swaying trees,

I’m free; and when I look back,

The tunnel isn’t there.

Thoughts

***This is not an assigned topic. Yay!!***

What do you think about right before you go to sleep?  I wonder about what other people think of before they began to drift off.  I’ve even thought about what other people think when they try to go to sleep while I’m trying to go to sleep!  Is it the same kind of things I think? 

I can’t even categorize all the things I think of; my mind just wanders.  I could be thinking of something happening currently in my life and then my mind brings up something that I haven’t thought of in years.  Sometimes the most clever, witty things pop into my head during this odd state where my body is past the expiration date, but my subconscious continues in full swing.

So, I have a notebook full of these random, possibly insightful and possibly witty--though I don’t really know since I’m half asleep--thoughts that I keep by my bed.  I’m positive no one else, but me would understand half the stuff written in this book.  I don’t even understand it sometimes.  I flip through it looking at past stuff and I’m like, What the heck did I mean by that?  I must admit I try my best to jot down quickly and in very few words the essence of what I was thinking at the moment so I can go back to sleep, but I don’t always think about being able to interpret it later.  I also have random pieces of paper that are all over my house--though I hope they’re somewhat organized into several piles in different places--with little notes that I’ve jotted down. 

Now, I’m going through them and thought I’d share:

I avoid using the phrase, “How are you?”  It usually comes up when I’m with someone I don’t know that well or someone I haven’t seen in a while.  When I hear it, I don’t know what to say.  Does anyone really want to know?  So often, people just use it as a greeting or to fill a silence and I can’t tell when someone really cares about my response.  It’s not even a conversation starter.   
“How are you?” 
“Good.” 
There’s some Facebook thing that’s something like, “The biggest lie is ‘I’m fine.’”  I don’t think so.  It’s just a polite way of saying, “I don’t want to tell you,” or even just, “I don’t want to talk about it,” because you know if you say one of those instead you’ll spark their curiosity even more so.


One of my biggest peeves is when a skinny girl calls herself fat.  Girls that are honestly insecure about their weight would most likely never say anything like that.  It annoys me when I think about what these skinny girls want, which is one or more of three things:
 1. They’re looking for a confidence boost.  They know they’re not fat, but are insecure about something else and know they’ll get a compliment.
 2. They’re conceited and just want the attention.
 3. They want guys to notice how fat they’re not.   
I think the last one is the main reason.  Why?  Because if a girl says something about her body, all eyes focus and concentrate on what she’s referring to even if everyone has seen her countless times and knows exactly what she looks like.


Note to self:  If you’re about to be kidnapped, act like a nut and scare the willies out of the kidnapper.  He probably doesn’t want to kidnap someone who’s mental.  (This is practically a word for word copy of a note I found.)  My version of acting crazy is to go bug-eyed and chant some crazy things like “I like to eat dead unicorns and stuffed hedgehogs,” and then laugh like a creepy witch as loud as I can. 


What would the world be like if we could see outside of the visible color spectrum?  I wonder if the colors we see now would drown in all the new colors.  Being an artist I think about things like that.


Why does candy corn sometimes have the white tip missing?  That’s my favorite part! Who would deprive me of it? **glares** Is there a white-tip-of-the-candy-corn thief?  x)


Is it weird that I like to dip my fries in my shake (no matter what flavor)? Or that I use peanut butter like mayo in all sandwiches?  Or that I dip my grilled cheese in ketchup?  I think it’s interesting how people eat common foods in different ways.  I just hate it when I eat something a different way or say I don’t like a certain food, and people go all drama queen on me.  “EEEEWWW!!! That’s like soooo GROSS!”  Just suck it up.  I don’t complain when you eat nasty things.  As long as you’re not waving it in my face or chewing with your mouth open so I can conduct a study on how saliva aids the digestion process by already starting to break down food once it hits your repulsive mouth, who cares??  It’s just a difference of taste buds.


I laugh to myself when I hear people say they’re afraid of the dark.  Darkness isn’t scary.  People are afraid of what darkness conceals.  The unknown.  When I was little, I was afraid of the dark.  I was afraid to go into the basement when the lights weren’t on.  Now I know that I had an overactive imagination and probably watched too many murder/mystery tv shows.  I was afraid that someone had snuck in through a basement window and was just waiting for me to come down the stairs so he could grab me and threaten my life to make my family do what he wanted.  I also thought there were two alligators that lived under the stairs and once I turned off the lights and took the first step to go upstairs, they’d somehow appear at the bottom of the stairs.  I had to race up the stairs as fast as I could and close the door because they were right behind me, with their mouths open, ready to snap off my heels.  I never looked back to “see them” so don’t worry; I wasn’t a hallucinating child.


Hmmm... I liked writing this.  I think this will be something like a series of posts.  I’ll post a “thoughts” post whenever I organize some of my old notes or when I come up with new ones.

Sugar!!!!!

Are you a sugar addict?  Though it sounds funny and innocent, it’s not.  Well, drug and alcohol and nicotine, even caffeine, addictions are far worse, right?  I’d say, no. Why? Because sugar isn’t taken seriously.  The foods Americans eat are loaded with sugar, and we are daily eating dangerous quantities that have drug-like effects.  Sugar can be biochemically addictive; so it’s not just an emotional bond.  Some people are sugar sensitive, making them more inclined to become addicted.  It’s just like how some people are already wired to have a potential alcohol addition before they’ve even had their first drink.

Why is sugar not taken seriously? Well, I would say because sugar, or--scientifically speaking--glucose, a form of sugar, is the fuel for our bodies.  It provides energy to cells which allows them to do the task they are specialized for and also helps with cell growth.  But, people don’t realize that a nutrient, something we need every day, could cause imbalances or lead to serious problems.  There are many nutrients that we need, but if we take them in excess they become toxic.
 
The thing is our bodies plan for deficiencies and not abundances when it comes to sugar.  They don’t know about pudding-stuffed doughnuts, hot fudge and brownie sundaes, and the endless range of flavors in soft drinks.  
 
When we eat excessive sugar, say a king size Snickers, glucose is dumped quickly into our bloodstream almost at the speed as if we injected it directly.  This causes our blood sugar to go up.  At this time, you feel the boost, the little pick-me-up, that sugar gives.  However, our bodies will immediately want to lower the high blood sugar.  Our pancreas begins making insulin.  Insulin is like the key that allows glucose to enter cells.  It is a hormone that binds to glucose and allows it to enter a cell’s membrane.  If your body actually needed the glucose, then it would use it for energy, but most of the time, such a spike is not needed and is stored.  So, by releasing insulin into our bodies, it allows our cells to absorb the glucose out of our bloodstream and therefore lowering our sugar level.  However, insulin works so well that it lowers our blood sugar below the normal level.  Usually, glucose is the only fuel used by the brain.  Brain power requires a lot of energy and neurons can’t store glucose so they depend on a steady supply.  Low blood sugar causes tiredness, the inability to think clearly, and depression.  It also makes you hungry.  People who don’t realize what’s going on are tempted to reach for another candy bar, the food that caused the imbalance, thinking it’ll replenish the energy they feel they somehow lost.

Here’s a list of 146 reasons why too much sugar is ruining your health. 146!!  Though many of them are related to each other, it was mind blowing to me all the things that sugar affects.  It affects your daily vital functions, long-term functions, and increases risk of countless deadly diseases.

Some of the “facts” might be misleading.  For instance, #92 says that sugar feeds cancer.  This is true, but sugar feeds all cells in the human body.  Sugar does not feed cancer cells more than other cells in the body. Whether we eat excessive amounts of sugar or not, there will always be sugar in our bodies because it is our energy.  However, when cells are well fed, they grow.  If we eat sugar that our healthy cells don’t even need, patients with cancer could be causing their cancer cells to grow.  

         
I found it interesting when I found that sugar negatively effects our immune system.  I get colds approximately three to four times a year.  I get a nasty sore throat every time and I never realized that eating sugary foods could prevent my body from fighting the infection.  It has been studied that eating or drinking just 8 teaspoons of sugar, which is like two cans of pop (or soda), can diminish our white blood cells ability to fight germs by forty percent starting thirty minutes after consumption and lasting for about five hours.

How much sugar do our bodies need daily?

None.  Our bodies do not need any added sugar.  Carbs, proteins, and fat can be converted to glucose which is adequate enough.  Our bodies are designed to get glucose from natural foods such as fruits vegetables, grains and even fat because they take longer to digest and you avoid the blood sugar fluctuations.  When we need energy, our metabolism makes glucose gradually from those raw materials.  People don’t realize how very little sugar our bodies need.  People also don’t realize how much sugar they are consuming in their diet, especially in drinks.  The only time it is good to eat refined table sugar in your food is after hardcore exercising like marathon running or if you’re very weak from vomiting or days of lack of nourishment.

How do I change my diet?

Now you’re probably thinking, I’m doing horrible things to my body; how can I possibly change my habits?

Only eat naturally occurring sugar like the sugar found in fruit. This is much healthier than the processed sugar in candy, cake, and other desserts.

Avoid saturated sugary drinks, like soda and fruit drinks. It is fine to drink 100% fruit juice, but only in moderation. Stick to serving size.

Limit your splurges of dessert, to two times a week.  Moderation!!

Eat whole, healthy, unprocessed food.

My Top 10 Best Jobs

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

As a kid, I had many occupations I wanted to be when I grew up.  Some lasted longer than others and some were just week long phases.  Sometimes, I might of had three things I wanted to be and I couldn’t make up my mind so I was going to be all of them.  Unfortunately, I never picked jobs that made a lot of money or it was very unlikely that I’d make a lot of money.  At that time, I didn’t really care; I just wanted to do something I was interested in and would be fun.  Looking back, I hope my younger self had a plan--like marrying rich--but I doubt it.  I abhorred the thought of doing something for the rest of my life that I didn’t love to do.  I’m glad I did and I still think that way.  I want to love my job.

So here are my top ten jobs.  If you’re looking for money making jobs, google it because you won’t find it here.  All of my links are “how to become” links, not definitions.

1.  Cowboy.  Not cowgirl, cowboy.  Sexuality complex, much?  No, not really.  I didn’t want people to think I was a cowgirl and label me as a rhinestone-wearing, pink-loving, spoiled brat.  That was my view on cowgirls back then.  I remember when I was five or so and I had to go to this event where we had to dress as who we wanted to be when we grew up.  I told everyone I was a cowboy. Though everyone tried to explain to me that I was a girl, not a boy, I wouldn’t back down.  I was a cowboy.  I wanted a ranch where I would train horses.  Later, I ended up calling myself a horse trainer; cowboy was a little juvenile.  Even now, I still want to own a few horses and train them, but not as a profession.

2.  Veterinarian.  I wanted to be a vet for a long time until I realized vets did more than just give shots.  I didn’t want to perform surgeries.  Actually, now that I think about it, I think I could probably handle it.  I always expected the worst in the dissections I’ve done in biology and anatomy, but I didn’t really get freaked out by frog, worm, and rabbit guts (don’t tell my pet bunny); deer organs; and cow eyeball.  Next, I’ll be dissecting a mink.  Without the fur, they’re cheaper than cats.  Then again, veterinary school takes a long time and is expensive.

3.  Actress.  I didn’t take this one seriously because I thought actresses were only famous people in movies.  I could never make it.  Now, I still want to be an actress.  On the stage.  I love acting.  I’m also really interested in the backstage aspects of theater like set building, costumes and makeup.

4.  Figure Skater.  I only wanted to be this because of watching the Olympics. I wanted to be Tara Lipinski.  Then I actually tried ice skating and sucked at it.

5.  Gymnast.  Again, only because of watching the Olympics.  The turn off was that gymnasts get hurt a lot.  I didn’t want to kill myself.  Plus, I’m not short.

6.  Tap Dancer.  Instead of letting me watch crappy Disney shows as a kid, my mom sat me down to old musicals.  After watching Singin’ In The Rain, I was positive I was called to be a tap dancer or tap dancing teacher.

7.  Skier.  I started skiing when I was around ten.  Since my mom and my sister both hated skiing, I was my dad’s last chance at a skiing buddy.  At first, my dad had to make me ski because I hated it.  Now I can ski down some mild black diamonds (slopes that are the most difficult), but I’m no where close to a pro.  I own my own skis and I’m content with that.

8.  Hair Stylist.  I loved playing with my mom’s long hair when I was little.  I’d get out all of our clips, bobby pins, hair ties, headbands, ribbons, and bows and try to fit all of them into my mom’s hair.  My mom never wanted to wear my “hair-dos” outside of the house.  After I graduate, I’m going to a cosmetology school.

9.  Singer.  I can't sing.  There went that idea.

10.  Artist.  This one really shouldn’t be here.  Never once did I want to have a job that used my artistic ability.  I wanted to do something without using something that I was good at.  That may sound stupid; why wouldn’t I want to use the gift God gave me?  Well, I wanted to push myself and have to learn something new.  I felt that using an ability I already had was too easy and, in a way, somehow cheating.  Also, everyone that saw my artwork would say, “Well I guess I know what you’re going to do when you’re older.”  Everyone assumed I would go into art, so I rebelled at that.  I didn’t want to do what was expected of me or what everyone else thought I should do.

Now, I want to be an art major at whatever college I go to.  I just need to pick the right one.  As I said, I’m going to a cosmetology school after I graduate.  That way I’ll have something to fall back on if my art thing fails.  Someone will always need their hair cut.


So, that’s my ten “what I want to be when I grow up” jobs.  I probably had others, but they didn’t last long enough for me to remember them.

Successful Blogging

I just started my blog, and to be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it. For the second semester of my high school creative writing class, we’re writing a blog. The assignment is to post once a week and sometimes the topics are assigned too; like this one. I’m learning about how to write a successful blog by using a book called Publishing a Blog with Blogger. I like it; it's uber helpful.

There are two types of people who start a blog: those who want to make money, and those who just want to write.  I’m the latter.  Maybe in the future I might want to monetize my blog; who doesn’t want to make a little cash?  But don’t buy into thinking you can just write a blog and be successful and rich right away.  It’s not that easy.  It takes time, motivation, and research.  It’ll be awhile to write enough content to get regular visitors other than your friends and family.  Writing a blog that’s successful is so different than what I thought.  Right now, I don’t have a “niche” for my blog; one topic that I always write about.  I didn’t want to limit myself in case I have a period of major writer’s block.  I always thought blogging was writing whatever pops into your head.  And that’s exactly what I’m doing right now, writing what pops into my head, (just random things that people can relate to) or whatever I’m assigned.  Right now, I only have time to post once a week.

For my blog, my success is achieving a personal goal: to write consistently.  In fact, I don’t even care if anyone outside family and friends reads this.  It would be cool, but it’s not my priority...for now.  I’m no where close to having a “successful” blog (as in having many readers and earning money from it) so I did a little research on some tips that myself and other fellow bloggers should read. 

Organic Food?

Go Organic!

There’s a lot of information out there on the advantages and disadvantages of organic foods and possible effects of non-organic foods.  I was a little overwhelmed and didn’t know what to believe.  Some people don’t even realize what is organic food.  When they think organic, they think vegetarian.  Organic food is food grown naturally without pesticides, preservatives, hormones, and other additives and chemicals.  In crops, organic farmers focus on enriching the soil by crop rotation and using organic fertilizer.  In meat, animals are pasture fed and live in a comfortable environment.  They’re not fed hormone enriched, processed food, and kept in the stressful, cramped quarters like the conditions of your average meat processing company.

Basically, there hasn’t been enough research on whether or not organic food is better than conventional food.  I would think it would be, but it’s not “scientifically proven.”  The only items proved to be better when they are produced organically are milk and tomatoes.  So, it comes down to personal opinion.  Until more studies have been done to absolutely, without a doubt prove that organic is the best, all we have is opinions.

So here’s my opinion.  It’s just kind of logical that naturally-grown food would be better than food full of preservatives, chemical residues that are possibly toxic, and hormones.  From what I’ve read on the subject, it scares me about what’s going on in the food industry.  I’m sure if people could see how their favorite foods are made, they wouldn’t want to eat them anymore.  Companies only care about production rates and not their customer’s health.  Scientists are experimenting with food trying to make it better, but they haven’t done the studies to make sure it doesn’t make it worse.  So, I’m all for going organic in any way possible. 

Before I list the benefits, there are some disadvantages.  Though organic food industry has grown about 30% in the past 5-6 years, I can see why it hasn’t exploded.

10 Facts About Indiana

Indiana

I live in boring, corn-filled Indiana.  Yep, Indiana.  Recently, I was trying to think about interesting things about my state, but I couldn’t.  I could however think of why I don’t like my state.  Other than an occasional mention of Indiana Jones, no one ever thinks of us!  We don’t have any “est” places to make us special like driest, biggest, deepest, widest, highest, lowest, etc.  In fact, the highest elevation in our leveled, farming state is called “Hoosier Hill.”  So, we don’t even have majestic scenery either.  We have corn and racecars.  So, I decided to find some interesting, arcane facts about Indiana.

Indiana means, “Land of the Indians,” and was the 19th state admitted to the Union on December 11, 1816.  Indiana is ranked #15 in state with highest population which, quite frankly, surprised me since we have a lot of farming land.  Indiana is the smallest state, other than Hawaii, west of the Appalachian Mountains.

The Benefits of Homeschooling

I could write a book on this topic, but I’ll try to restrain myself.  I can already foresee myself failing a little bit so prepare for a long post. Sorry.

I have been homeschooled all my life and I must say I’m very grateful I never went to public or private school.  I’ve even had some of my public schooled friends tell me they’re envious.  Doing school at home and having your parents for teachers hasn’t always been “peachy-keen,” but there’re more advantages with homeschooling than there are with public schooling.  Homeschooling isn’t for everyone.  The parents have to value the quality of their children’s education to make the sacrifice of time and possibly one parent’s income to stay home and make it worth it.

Religion, finance, or having a child with special needs or one who isn’t being challenged enough in school are common reasons for choosing homeschooling, but usually most parents just aren’t satisfied with the school system, and feel they can do a better job.

Educational Benefits

 

One on One Attention

The teacher to student ratio can’t be beat.  One on one teaching has been widely known as the most effective teaching method.  There is no conceivable way a public school teacher can give the full individual attention needed to each of his or her students for whatever difficulties they might have.

Work at Your Own Pace and Time

A lot of time is wasted at public/private schools waiting in lines for lunch and recess, waiting for others to get done with their work, or even waiting for the teacher to finally take control of the unruly class.  Homeschooling allows a quiet, comfortable learning environment where kids can get their work done far before 3 o’clock because they have no distractions.

Wisdom Teeth - Part 2

Anesthetic Phase

I don’t remember the moment I “fell asleep” or much of anything until I got home.  I was in a subconscious phase.  I vaguely remember people helping me out of the room where I had the surgery and taking me to a different room to sit.  Then, a wheelchair came and I thought, I hate wheelchairs.  I was wheeled out to our van where I thought, How am I going to manage climbing into the back seat?  I don’t remember the ride home.  Usually when I remember things of the past, I can pull up an image of what happened.  However, with this, I can only remember what I was thinking and vaguely base what actually happened on that.  I can’t picture any of it in my head.

The next thing I recall is sitting on the couch in a haze of fluctuating subconsciousness.  I must have put in a movie because I couldn’t talk to tell someone to put one in.  Mom gave me two pills for the swelling which I promptly threw up along with some blood.  I wasn’t supposed to have those pills yet and I was supposed to eat something with them.  I vaguely remember my parents bustling about and giving me pills to swallow, water and apple juice to drink, and pudding to eat.  Mostly, they tried to keep me awake.  I only responded enough so they would think I was awake, but I didn’t actually come out of my daze.  I wasn’t allowed to spit and it was hard to swallow so I had a bucket to drool in.  My dad wrapped a strap of cloth with pockets for ice packs around my head.  I knew all through this that my movie was playing, but when it was over, I couldn’t remember watching it.  So I played it again.  That’s when I actually woke up because I felt so stupid for sitting through it and not really watching it.  The numbness in my jaw and cheeks went away quickly.  My bottom lip was the last to regain feeling.

Mushy Diet

 

So, I can’t eat hot or solid food for a few days.  That is a problem.  I hate apple sauce, yogurt, and cottage cheese.  I finally resorted to baby food.  My dad went to get some and soon called saying they didn’t have anything I wanted.  I had asked for strawberry and pear.  He could only find pear and everything else was two to three fruits together.  He listed off things like apple banana plum medley, banana pineapple orange medley, blueberry pear granola, spring garden vegetables with brown rice, and vegetable risotto with cheese.  EWW!!  He came home with apple cherry, pear pineapple, and just pear.  Apparently, getting only one type of fruit or vegetable in your baby food is a rare find. 

Yesterday, I ate pear baby food and pudding for breakfast.  For lunch, I managed to get down luke-warm mac n cheese.  For some reason, it tasted like salami.  I also kept smelling chicken.  I want normal food soon!!!  For supper, I had luke-warm sweet potatoes.  Later, I was really hungry so I made myself some mashed potatoes.

For breakfast this morning, I ate the leftover sweet potatoes from last night, half a jar of pear baby food, and a cup of chocolate pudding.  Right now, I think I’m going to go make myself a chocolate shake now with my Oberweis chocolate milk that my mom bought me.   :) 

Wisdom Teeth - Part 1

Getting My Wisdom Teeth Out

I lost my wisdom.  It happened Tuesday morning at approximately 8:20--so much for a precise time like being executed at high noon.  I had to get all four of them out.  Most people get their wisdom teeth out because there’s usually not enough space for them to fit or once they’re in, it’s hard to keep them clean because they’re the farthest to reach.  Mine hadn’t even poked through my gum yet which is the best time to get them because the tooth roots haven’t grown in. 

I was a little uneasy about going under an anesthetic; I’ve never had surgery before.  I think people consider getting your wisdom teeth out as having surgery, but I don’t think so.  I wasn’t in a hospital.  I wasn’t in a hospital gown.  I sat in a dentist’s chair.  Plus, they told me I was going under a mild anesthetic so that I would still respond to their voices like, “Open your mouth,” even though I wouldn’t remember any of it afterwards. 

So, I showed up wearing short sleeves, no contacts, and no painted nails like they asked though I don’t remember why.  I had three different people at three different times ask me when was the last time I had something to eat or drink.  First, it was the lady at the waiting room desk, then an assistant once I was in the chair having my legs strapped down, and finally by the doctor dentist guy, I’m sure they like to be called oral surgeons, himself.  “At about 11 o’clock last night,” I replied to each.  

As my legs were being strapped to the chair by some random lady I never saw again, the assistant was telling me what to expect to happen.  A nurse would come in and prep my arm for the IV.  She would tie a band above my elbow, rub alcohol on the spot, tell me to make a fist and then the doctor would be the one to stick it in me.  

I didn’t close my eyes, but I didn’t look either.  “We got a little one there,” the doctor said referring to my wimpy vein.  I felt the prick and then I looked.  The doctor had just stuck the anesthetic in the IV.  It was clear and gel-like.  He told me I’d begin to feel the effects after about a minute.  I think it was sooner than a minute.  I felt like I was gonna fall over.  It was such a weird sensation.  Growing up, I’d always thought when one gets “put to sleep” for surgery, that’s exactly what it feels like.  I thought I was just going to feel tired, yawn, and drift off.  Nope.  It was an odd sense of dizziness and disorientation.  I also had an increased awareness of gravity.  That’s the only way I can think to put it.  It wasn’t like I was being pulled to the floor by G-force like on those spinning rides at amusement parks where the floor drops and people are stuck to the wall.  It just felt like I was a little heavier in the chair. 

The next thing I could fully remember was sitting on the couch at home playing a movie for the second time because I couldn’t remember watching it the first time.

To Begin With..

Trying To Go To Sleep

It takes a long time for me to fall asleep.  My body gets tired, but my brain stays awake.  I crawl into bed, touch out the light--yay for touch lamps!--, find a comfy spot, punch my pillow, and just lay there.  I don’t really know how long it takes before I drift off because I have no concept of passing time.  Random thoughts enter my head that lead to other random thoughts.  To my brain, they have some connection to the previous thoughts, but if my stream were audible, no one else would be able to understand it. 

Thoughts.. dialogues... pictures... It’s not a dream because I’m still awake.  I replay what has happened during the day or what has happened in the past few days or what might happen tomorrow.  I have control over what I think, but if I want to stop thinking, I can’t.  My brain doesn’t know when to shut up.  

Out of this random stream of consciousness, I do get some deep, insightful thoughts.  I should get up and write this down.  No! I’m trying to go to sleep.  So, if I wake up enough to sit up and use a pen, I’ll have to start the process all over again!  But you’ll forget it in the morning.  No I won’t.  Remember.  Remember it, Stephanie.  I concentrate on my thought over and over to remember it, but I end up deceiving myself.

Sometimes, my knowledge of my forgetfulness triumphs and I write it down.  I squint so that hopefully my eyes don’t adjust to the light--another part of going to sleep to redo all over again.  Why does my creativity have to come to me in the middle of the night?

I hope this blog will help me to document my creative outbursts.  Most of the time, my thoughts aren’t enough to stimulate a story.  So a blog would be great because then I don’t have to write a story; I could just share my thought.

I also want to include posts about my interests.  I love all aspects of the arts.  When I graduate from high school, I plan to go through a 10 month course at a cosmetology school, get a job at a salon, and then pursue an art major and theater minor at a college yet to be decided.

Verdigris

By the way, verdigris is the beautiful tarnish that forms like rust on brass, bronze, and copper.  It ranges from a dull green to teal to a vibrant turquoise color.  It can be made by coating copper with acetic acid, but also forms naturally by weathering and exposure to sea water.

Verdigris used to be a popular pigment for artists.  It created the brightest green.  It was lightfast--resistant to fading--in oil paint, but not so in other mediums.  It was also known to change colors over time; green fields turned brown and Caribbean seas turned forest green.  By the 19th century, better green pigments were available.